2490 Saturday, May 14th - early morning

06:25… I'm still lying in bed, thinking about the "perfect relationship."  There is that inherent desire to meet someone and start a family.  It's natural and we are very much still animals.  

I'm just thinking about how perfect someone would have to be to not make you feel that you're settling for that person.  As sentient beings in this kaleidoscope of a world we live in, it's going to be such a rarity to find a person that likes the same things as you, thinks in the same general way as you and that you find attractive.  The odds of finding that person are so long, the world has come up with ways to work around it.

If, at some point, you settle for someone who doesn't check all the boxes for you and you start a family with that person, things are not likely to go well for anyone.  There will be some unhappiness and it only gets worse from there.

With Nao, I honestly didn't try too hard, but in the "perfect relationship," you really shouldn't have to try too hard.  She liked me, we seemingly enjoyed each other's company, so eventually, we moved in together.

Much like most of my relationships, she chose me, for whatever reason, and I just went along with it.  I didn't have any real concerns, but if I did, I would have done something about it.  I've always gone about my business quietly and calmly.  I've never started a conversation with, "I think we should talk."  As productive or necessary as those conversations appear to be, one party in the conversation always has to settle for something.

The theory that everyone has to settle for something in someone, just shows the lack of patience that our culture has.  There are more than the world's fair share of unhappy people, having kids and teaching them how to settle for people.  

There is also that sense of loneliness, if you're not with someone and that would be what settling will keep you away from.  Would you rather be unhappy with what you settled with or unhappy that you're alone?  There are those characters out there who seemingly enjoy being angry, yelling and screaming at those who displease them and I feel bad for anyone who settles for them.

07:06… well, I think I should get up now.  I added that idea to my random thoughts sheet and I just sort of went with it anyway.  That's a good start to the writing today.

2458 Tuesday, May 3rd - afternoon

11:50… I’m getting an early start to the afternoon post, since I’m hoping to be doing this for a while.

The SABIS online wellness meeting got me thinking about where I am with everything.  There have been some notions of "the bigger picture."

I have accepted the idea that I am not where I thought I was going to be at this point in my life.  There isn't a lot I can do about it, except to carry on to the best of my ability.

I don't believe there is a higher being with "a plan" for me, I believe that we are all just beings on this planet, all going about our business and we're all products of our environment and actions.  

The decisions I have made have gotten me to this point.  Some decisions were clearly better than others, but that's on me to live with and I accept that.  

I have been fortunate that this certain time of the decisions has been okay and that some of the everyday necessities are more easily accomplished than years previous.  If I had to do this writing with a pen and paper, that would not likely have been enjoyable and very unlikely to happen.  The internet and TV, being what they are, has also made things easier.  

12:13… well, Dad just called to say he's five minutes away.  I don't think I was having a straight thought.  I was just typing to see what I could get.

12:47… he was having a tough time with Mike and going to have a look at jobs.  He's got to be up in Dalhousie for 13:00 and then back in Langdon by 15:00.  His timeline is going to be tight.

My Instacart shopper is already done, so he should be by soon.

I did get to 10k and 16 Zone minutes when he was here.  So 22 Zone minutes should be a snap, in theory.

Okay, back to the "bigger picture" thought. 

When I'm alone with my thoughts, my brain seems to work okay.  The thoughts seem to rush through okay, but the brain doesn't feel as busy as it once did.  I'm thinking that is a benefit, in the way that I don't seem to get as bored as I did, once upon a time.  The downside to my slower brain is that it has hurt my motor functions, especially like talking.  I can totally understand how people, like me, get super frustrated when the words don't roll off the tongue, like other people can do.

13:03… the afternoon Gabapentin was taken with the afternoon Diclo cream, so I remembered.  A big win there.

Yeah, so the frustration is definitely a real thing. There's a part of me that gets frustrated by the motor functions not working as fast as my brain still works and I would imagine that it's close to the same across the board.  The historical lack of patience in the human race is certainly a hindrance to anything good happening. 

13:17… the order has arrived, I got the 13:00 Active Hour, I opened the sliding door and I shut the curtain so I can see the phone better.

Being in the SABIS meeting has given me a new appreciation of the frustration.  There are a few others who don't speak very well and I'm sure that being with others who know what it feels like is comforting.  There are times when I might think that I am not quite the same as them, but as soon as I open my mouth, I'm quickly reminded that I am and I sheepishly crawl back into the back of my head.

Thankfully, my patience level really hasn't taken a hit, so it's never a stretch to try and be patient.  Between that and my slower brain means I'm not quick to say stupid things and really make a fool of myself.

This is now my everyday life.  As much as it's not very appealing, it's better than some of the alternatives.  I know the right people to help me out when I need it and there is still some good problem solving capacity up there, so I'm not going to suffer for any great period of time.

I keep thinking that I can take a thought and just run with it, but I think there are some thoughts that seem bigger than how they come across.

14:19… I turned on a David Spade comedy special, Nothing Personal, it's decent.  While watching it, I made it to 22 Zone minutes.