3589 Saturday, January 14th - evening

20:50… the sports that were on TV weren't going my way, so I decided to watch a movie, which stirred up some thoughts, but I'll do what I have to first and then I might explore those thoughts.

I'm in bed now, if you haven't guessed.

• Check the coffee maker: 1

• Retrieve the urinal bottle: 2

• Brace in the application tube: 4

• Shower: 5

• Brush teeth: 6

• Mouthwash: 7

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: 8

• Remember to check the lid of the Diclo cream: 9

• Shut the computer down: 10

• Pills and vitamins: 3 & 11

• Refill the Bipap reservoir: 12

• Lung recruitment: 13

• Headband: 14

• Bipap mask: 15

• Fitbit battery: 16, 52%

20:53… I did a very good job of staying off the Bosu Ball, getting very little steps after that giant walk, except there were a few in the shower, which should go without saying.

Bipasha came for the dinner shift again and she was impressed with the walking story.  She made a very tasty chicken dish that had a fair bit of kick to it.  There were a few laughs with her tonight, but I'm drawing a blank trying to recall them.  She was quite alright with the idea of resting after that walk, she would have considered me even crazier if I didn't rest after not only that walk, but the two 25k days before them.  I'm never one to oppose the argument of crazy, especially when the case is strong.

After she took off, I went straight to the shower and then got cleaned up.  Then it was straight back to the couch, where I flipped around, found that the sports were going poorly and then found Free Guy on the Chromecast.

Dad called in the middle of the movie, I had talked with him earlier in the afternoon, just before Bipasha arrived.  He didn't have too much on, 8n either call, but I said that I was watching the movie, so the second call didn't last long.

So the movie, Free Guy… Ryan Reynolds plays Guy, a video game NPC, who has been coded with some high end AI and he grows to love this female character in the game, who is played by one of the game's co-creators.  It's a cute story with a roundabout love story, which had a few giggles in it too.

It's just yet another cookie cutter story about needing something more in our lives.  As much as these cute stories entertain us, they try to teach the necessity of finding something great.  

As much as it might be great to find something like that, which is probably true, the math of it all really doesn't work out in favour of these stories, which is clear by the growing number of divorces in western culture.  The odds of finding that perfect someone are so incredibly small, the hope of finding that someone might turn into something terrible, depending on the person in question.

I mean the possibilities are gruesome, in the worst case scenarios and the sliding scale can run awfully steep.

Nay keeps on telling me that my special person is out there, which might be the case.  She says she's not with the church's beliefs, but I do think that what she is saying is one.  I can't get a word in edgewise to argue that point when I'm on the phone with her, but that's okay.  She has met someone new and exciting, so it would be bastardly to throw a wrench into that operation.

I'm not convinced that there is anything more to this life, everything else are just tales of fiction and high hopes.  I saw someone along the path today providing literature for free bible studies, but I haven't sunk low enough to start chirping at them out of nowhere.

In theory, I'm okay with the beliefs of others.  It's just everywhere you look nowadays, especially when I see it the other way.  It just further proves the notion that there are a lot of stupid people out there.

TV Viewing Notes:

• NFL Kickoff 

• Seahawks @ 49ers

• Global National

• Global News Hour

• Chargers @ Jaguars 

• Canucks @ Panthers

• Free Guy

21:45… well, I'm done with typing.  The pills are going to kick in soon.

3246 Saturday, December 31st - afternoon

12:52… I have moved to the couch, loading up my laptop, because I wasn’t feeling writing on my phone again.  I wanted to see how this goes and work from there.

With New Year’s right around the corner, I’ve gotten to start thinking again and there are some things worth noting for me.  All of the celebrations taking place around the world, which have already started in the Far East, don’t seem to be relatable to me anymore.

I guess you could say that I am growing colder in my 40’s, mostly because I don’t seem to care as much about anything nowadays.  I’m not exactly getting evil, I’m just at a point of indifference about anything and everything.  I’m definitely gaining more understanding for the storied hermits, in fiction and in reality, seeing that everyone else still seems to care about people, places and things and not feeling any relation to that idea.

This time of year is just full of empty sentiment, a lot of which people attach themselves to in order to gain a sense of belonging.  I can definitely see how that would be important to those who feel the need for that kind of thing.  For a lot of hermits, which is only just a guess, because I have much doubt that many of them have involved themselves in many official polls on the subject, they have likely come to the conclusion that nothing really matters in this universe.  How far they have explored that idea will likely vary from hermit to hermit, but just understanding that nothing really matters can really free up a lot of energy in life.

When I boil down my understanding of life on this marble that we call Earth, a lot of popular beliefs fall to the wayside and by a lot, I basically mean all of them.  What we know for sure is that humans, like all animals on this planet, are born, they live their life and then they die.  Really easy and straightforward.  Humans, throughout history, have been prone to want something more in just about every facet of our being.  They have all wanted more meaning, reason and in most cases, more success.

I’m thinking that I have written this idea before, but instead of needing to go back through the archives, I’ll write it again, just to save time.

13:53… I like to think I have done a good job of figuring out how to live a pretty good life.  Has it been the best possible result?  No, probably not, but are there any regrets?  No, nothing too terribly important in that regard.  I’ve taken what has been presented to me, looked at it all with my logical mind, determining whether or not it made sense to me.  I’ve had to be adaptable to a number of situations, giving a few things a try and determining whether or not they should be used going forward.

Popular ideas and/or beliefs in the world, like religion or relationships never made a lot of sense to me.

Religion has had its place throughout society, instilling a fear of eternal damnation if you don’t follow their rules.  I can see how a need for an overarching supernatural judgmental spirit would be necessary for those who required a reason to follow said rules.  The rules, themselves, have made a lot of sense through time, having the real good ones as the foundation of today’s laws in the present day.  Sadly, there are a number of minds, especially in overarching positions of power, that have not evolved, like humans and society have.

I never thought anything in the Christian folklore made a whole lot of sense, so I never kept any of its reasoning close at hand.  I’ve been a good person, more for the good spirited returns that I will see in this lifetime, rather than the make believe returns in the unproven afterlife.

Now, relationships… that’s a different beast.  First, the animal's sense of mating… there hasn’t been a drive to branch out and start my own family.  I’ve looked at a lot of examples of families in my life and I haven’t seen anything about them that I would like to attach myself to.  

The time required for relationships is a ridiculous cost for an uncertain return.  Personally, I’ve never met anyone who has appeared to me to be worth all that time spent.  The early stages of a lot of relationships are definitely exciting, as you’re both learning about each other, physically and mentally. 

The church’s idea of love and marriage definitely showcase their inability to evolve.  I have definitely noticed that animals, not just humans, can change their minds about something.  

To me, if I have found that person that I would consider to be my “perfect match,” I wouldn’t need a title or piece of paper to say so.  The belief that my perfect match is out there is only just that… a belief.  There is no proof of it being the case and the cost of trying to find that “special someone” is also exceptionally high.

I would say that finding that perfect match has some long odds associated with it.  Society again bases their principles on the religious foundation that everyone is going to find someone, start a family and be happy with that idea.  They teach everyone, from an early age, that if you don’t find someone, you’ll be lonely and sad.

The cost of trying to determine if someone is worth your time, money and well being is far too high, only to find out that they’re not.  In theory, the perfect fit will be easy to determine, especially if you know what you’re looking for and need.

I think that dating nowadays is just the process of learning whether or not you would settle for them.  You acknowledge that they’re not perfect, but someone you could stand to be around, more often than not, which won’t be a constant throughout your life.  I, personally, don’t want to settle for someone, nor have someone settle for me.  At the root of that idea, there is always room for improvement and that’s hardly a stable foundation to build anything on.

The time and money savings versus that little bit of good that a relationship can give you is an easy decision for me.

The social aspect of life is an important one.  People need to deal with people in various ways to get what they need.  Nourishment and shelter are necessary needs in life and society has made their acquisition an interactive feat.  Friendship is another element to human interaction, be it another human or a pet.  Friendship is a tricky element, again as people change throughout their lives.

Knowing people and hanging around them also carries the costs of time, money and well-being.  I don’t have a large circle of close friends these days, mostly due to my availability and personality conflicts.  People are always changing, myself included, and what everyone values is always at the root of friendship.

I’m sort of losing my train of thought… I think that I am a good person and I think that I can remain that way if I limit my social activity and my friends remain at a minimum.  The costs just seem to be too high to have a large number of close friends.  There are people that I know and would do nice things for, but keeping close friends can tend to be a chore.

The hermit life is appealing, controlling my interactions to the full hermit experience will be difficult, until I own my own place finally.

2981 Monday, October 3rd - early morning

03:43… looking back at my memories, trying to piece them together.  I seem to think that one of the few times I have been mad in my life was something that Nay did to me.  I seem to think that I was hanging around in England because of her.  I think I tried to push her to get together and she wasn't having any of that, but there was one night, I went up to Ipswich and she may have decided to go out with someone else, I got mad at her, slammed the door behind me and then went back to Colchester/Wormingford for the night and on that trek home, I decided that I would go back to Canada.

It might have been something close to that event, which changed my life's course.  I think that was the last time that I had been mad, until that time in February with Dad.  Wow.

03:56… I need that written down.

04:16… thinking about it more, Nay could have made my affinity towards older women and likely could explain how my philosophy on relationships came about.  

I seem to recall that when Nay and I hung out, it was just easy.  There was nothing overly difficult about it and after I tried to push it forward, she wasn't having any of that and I seem to think she chose someone else and that's what really pissed me off.

I'm going to share this with her and see how close my broken brain came down to it.  That would have been in 2005 and it was 17 years between times I literally got mad.

04:26… clearly, I'm good with her now.  Her apologizing for not sleeping with me makes way more sense now.

2841 Friday, August 12th - afternoon

12:16… I would like to go on the record here and say that I have some fears about the nerves on the right side of my body.  The skin on the right side of my body, from my head to my shoulder, has always been a little more sensitive and tingly, which doesn't give me much hope for the regularity of my facial features, among the rest of the concerns.

It's been like that for a while already and it never jumps immediately to the top of the list when I talk to a doctor.  I'm glad I have it written down now.  I thought of it early on in the walk, stopped to take a note and now I have it down.

Another thing I was thinking about on the walk, Mark and I walk in silence most of the time, so that let's my head think constantly.

I got to thinking a bunch of things on the walk, a lot of them had to do with the failures of the human race.  I've highlighted my distaste for religion and rightly so.  

The biggest failure, in my opinion, is the basis of society.  

Society, the biggest separation between humans and animals, which is great, the human brain can do some wonderful things, if it takes its time and thinks it through. Unfortunately, the human race has come up with some silly things, which has more or less held us back from real greatness.

One of the greatest things about the combined societies on this very small planet is the belief that everyone should just get along, but that is also one its biggest shortcomings too.  The visible lines of separation between groups of humans, be it territory, religion and/or economic system, have done a poor job of getting along with each other.  Then throw in the other variances of these human groups (sexual orientation, gender identification and/or political party) and the lines are far less defined than ever before, making a lot more confusion and as a product of that, a lot more hate.  Unfortunately, the biggest sticking point to all of the separations and/or the grey areas is that there are enough of each one of these groups, including the blurred grey areas, to make them believe that they are absolutely correct and everyone else is wrong, filling this world with all sorts of hateful feelings towards one another.

Such things like technology are really glowing achievements for mankind, but sadly, all of these shortcomings have done a hell of a job ruining any positive momentum that these achievements could really do for our kind.

The real unfortunate thing is that until we can safely split our groups from each other, via going out into the deep reaches of space, leaving this doomed planet behind and then letting each belief fend for themselves in the vast, ruthless cosmos.  Otherwise, if we wanted peace, as a whole, there would have to be a lot of killing.

13:49… man, I seriously went on a tangent there, didn't I?

One of the other shortcomings I thought of was the idea of the term "love."  More in the biblical sense, which kind of goes back to my distaste for religion.  Romantic love, family love, brotherly love, and God's divine love are the four types of love in the Bible and only two have merit in the grand sense of everything.  Family love and brotherly love.  family love is an obvious one, where brotherly love, I believe it is the association of people by an outside source, like a team.

I, personally, am moving further and further away from the idea that romantic love is even real, much like that divine garbage.  Romantic love is just another attempt to separate humans from the other animals on the planet.  Unfortunately, much like religion, more than enough people believe in it, so therefore, it has to be right. 

I, for one, do not believe that to be true, much like the other beliefs that have held the human race back, but I'm not going to put together a parade and make everyone mad at me.  I don't need that shit.

No, this stems back to the pieces on my logical brain.  It can certainly make a judgement on whether or not I prefer the way someone looks or acts, but I'm not going to walk the social tightrope of "romantic love" all for the sake of the instinctual need to start a family.  I certainly haven't felt that instinctual need, especially not enough to make me settle for someone who is less than my perfect person.

Would I have settled if I made the mistake of not taking proper precautions?  There is a very likely chance of that.  Would any of those possibilities have turned out well?  That's highly unlikely.  Did I take a lot of proper precautions?  No, I can admit that I didn't.

I believe I have noted this before, but I have never been one to chase those lovely ladies.  Do I enjoy looking at them?  You bet, I do.  Would I know what to do with one if any of them chose me?  Unlikely, but I have come to the idea that I should just ask them, as hot and steamy as that conversation would be.

No, the social programming of romantic love, through all the major entertainment mediums, has tried to get me to relent from logic and move towards the nonsensical trappings.  It has tried so hard and nearly succeeded in trying to convince me that if I don't find anyone, I'd be lonely and loneliness is the worst.

It's so absolutely rare to see marriages that last for any great duration.  The ones that do make it are likely more unlikely to be still together for anything greater than the convenience of not having to go through all the legal processes.

14:36… I've made some really good time on the phone here, as most of this was written on my Pixel 6.

2805 Sunday, July 31st - afternoon

12:41… I did finish watching the Jays game and I thought about restarting to watch the BBC’s Sherlock, but there have been some thoughts floating around in my head the last few days and I thought I would try and tackle them… just to see what comes out.

There have been some larger topics floating around, some of which I may have touched on before. I have done a terrible job of adding those things to the Random Thoughts collection for times like this, so feeling ambitious, I might have a look there and see what I have thought of before.

“There is no desire for me to leave anything behind.”

This thought came to me again this morning, thinking mainly about my collection of DVDs in my Dad’s basement and I have been wondering, “just how valuable are they?” With most, if not all, important videos available through the streaming services, are my DVDs valuable enough to move from place to place and then show off at a new location? I highly doubt it. Are they going to be worth the storage space? Again, I highly doubt it.

Some time ago, I’m talking years ago, I managed to find a pawn shop that took all my CDs back when I was full on downloading my music and now with Spotify, I certainly don’t miss them. Never once have I wished that I still had the CD for the liner notes, which were only a small upside… and small might be an overstatement.

The only way collectables can be worth any money is if you find someone to sell them to. I’m thinking that the same idea can be applied to most of my hockey cards and comic books too. For me, there is very little sentimental attachment to a lot of things… a few things maybe, but on a day to day functional basis, no.

13:08… I'm seriously considering selling most things in my Dad's basement. I don't need everything down there, a few things are necessary, like my ball equipment, but otherwise, it's a waste of space.
If someone else could find some value in these things, then they would be more than welcome to give me a lowball offer. I'm not hurting for money and there is very little chance that anything down there would be worth anything in the future. So why keep it only to move it around?

I only want to carry things around that are functional or sentimental, so it will be mostly functional, if anything. I want to keep my living space very efficient.

We'll see how that goes.

13:26… "more logical brain thoughts."

Clearly, I have never been one to really follow my heart, because it doesn't make a good argument for anything that it wants.

There are plenty of beautiful people out there and the heart will "fall in love" with more than its fair share. At first glance at most of those people, they are undoubtedly attractive and they may also have a few more compatible elements to them, but most, if not all, will have something, if not a few things, that you would have to settle for when it comes to committing to them.

 
Commitment is a sticky thing, especially in this day and age. You can work your way into an impossible level of commitment without even trying these days and you are then forced to settle instead of settling down. Kids are generally the leading factor with settling.

My logical brain has always looked at seemingly good relationships as ones that don't require a lot of work. All relationships need at least a little bit of effort, but the better ones make that effort look so easy. Getting to know your partner, to a deep level, is very important and if you want to know more about them, it doesn't take a lot of hard work to do it… it shouldn't be very hard at all, especially if you really want to.

My approach to relationships has always been that way, in the few that I have had. I have always trusted my senses when it comes to other people… good, bad or extreme. For as many beautiful people that I have met, I have yet to meet what I believe is my perfect match. I have accepted the idea that a lady might have thought that I was worth a try and my approach has never changed. Taking it easy and treating them well, but I have fallen short in every case of getting to know them really well, caring enough to know what they both wanted and needed. I am pretty sure that if I did ever find that someone, that it wouldn't be an issue, because I would want to do everything that I have pointed out.
I have never been a fan of the traditional way of dating as many people as possible, in hopes that you'll find the perfect partner, or at the very least, the partner of least resistance. That's definitely a recipe for disaster, financially, emotionally and/or legally. The small feelings of "love" are not worth that cost to my logical brain. As great as those things might feel at the time, the overall cost just isn't worth it.
The real difficulty, especially nowadays, is there is so much media out there suggesting that it's out there. Movies, music and TV are a glutton of hope and there are some indications that if you don't find it, being alone is a horrible alternative.

I have admittedly fallen into that trap of loneliness, thinking that I was so depressed. Learning the ideas of love, settling down or just settling, had seen me with low spirits. I don't feel silly for feeling those things, they are certainly believable, but the alternative of settling with someone less than perfect or even worse, falling into the irreversible commitments of children with one of those partners, is not where I would want to end up.

I have been asked on some occasions how I remain in good spirits and I think my logical brain has a lot to do with it. I'm not being held back and I'm not holding anyone else back, especially with the events of the last few years. It's far more logical to approach life with positivity, because it rubs off on others. I never had an answer to the question right away, but if I'm asked again, I'll have this to fall back on.

15:08… "Deserve is my least favorite word."

I would even go so far as hating the word, deserve.

 
Do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment). That's the definition on Google.

The idea is valid, my distaste for the word is more for the cultural value of it nowadays. It gets used way too often, I think. I can't think of an example, so this may not have been the best random thought. The literal definition does stand well in how it is used most of the time, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

2490 Saturday, May 14th - early morning

06:25… I'm still lying in bed, thinking about the "perfect relationship."  There is that inherent desire to meet someone and start a family.  It's natural and we are very much still animals.  

I'm just thinking about how perfect someone would have to be to not make you feel that you're settling for that person.  As sentient beings in this kaleidoscope of a world we live in, it's going to be such a rarity to find a person that likes the same things as you, thinks in the same general way as you and that you find attractive.  The odds of finding that person are so long, the world has come up with ways to work around it.

If, at some point, you settle for someone who doesn't check all the boxes for you and you start a family with that person, things are not likely to go well for anyone.  There will be some unhappiness and it only gets worse from there.

With Nao, I honestly didn't try too hard, but in the "perfect relationship," you really shouldn't have to try too hard.  She liked me, we seemingly enjoyed each other's company, so eventually, we moved in together.

Much like most of my relationships, she chose me, for whatever reason, and I just went along with it.  I didn't have any real concerns, but if I did, I would have done something about it.  I've always gone about my business quietly and calmly.  I've never started a conversation with, "I think we should talk."  As productive or necessary as those conversations appear to be, one party in the conversation always has to settle for something.

The theory that everyone has to settle for something in someone, just shows the lack of patience that our culture has.  There are more than the world's fair share of unhappy people, having kids and teaching them how to settle for people.  

There is also that sense of loneliness, if you're not with someone and that would be what settling will keep you away from.  Would you rather be unhappy with what you settled with or unhappy that you're alone?  There are those characters out there who seemingly enjoy being angry, yelling and screaming at those who displease them and I feel bad for anyone who settles for them.

07:06… well, I think I should get up now.  I added that idea to my random thoughts sheet and I just sort of went with it anyway.  That's a good start to the writing today.

2435 Sunday, April 24th - afternoon

13:07… I just finished watching the first two episodes of the second season of the Flight Attendant and there wasn't a whole lot else going on, so I thought I would write.

I have been thinking a bit more about my stance on the whole women thing.

I think deep down it never made the most sense to me or at least that's the way I might say it was for me.

Everyone had always made a big deal about finding 'that somebody.'  There were so many people who had tried, decided to settle down and then one of so many varied results happened.  The picture perfect situation of growing old together and watching your family start from the ground floor, to build up into a great and happy string of more fortunate instances.  That would be ideal, no doubt, but as we've seen in many instances, is very far from the case.

What I was to understand was that the "perfect somebody" would have no work to do in the relationship.  Perfect was the highest hope in that idea.  If anyone really had to settle down into a relationship, was that the perfect someone?

There have always been some high hopes for me in my life, I would find that perfect person and we would enjoy our lives together.  I would see on TV, which is a bad way to frame your idea of a good life, but I would see on a number of shows that characters would date endlessly until they find that perfect person.  The ups and downs of the dating world was taught to be the norm, likely because the odds of finding that perfect person were so low.  The only upside to the dating world on TV was that there were writers to make sure the main character finds that perfect person.

The writers were certainly key to making it look like all of these people in the dating world were reasonably happy or thereabouts.

That sort of thing was never something I strived for.  I didn't really start to push the girlfriend idea until I moved to Calgary and there were no upsides to the "dating scene" except for maybe getting lucky on the rare occasion.  It always seemed to cost everyone taking part in it money that they were unsure that they could afford or some of their dignity, good or bad.  That never made a lot of sense to me.  When I ventured into the dating idea, I went the way of the online portals.

I can't remember exactly which portal I met Julie through, but we got to talking in a stress free environment, so it was going really well.  I don't remember the whole story with her, but we eventually went out on some dates and things progressed well enough that we finally hooked up.

I think she was a student in college at the time and she was going home (or something) for the summer and I didn't think I was ready for a long distance relationship, so I broke it off.  She wasn't my perfect match, so I don't think I found any reason to keep that going.  If TV taught me anything, there would be more women.

There weren't.  I went about my life like normal, I would think that I would need someone to be happy and I would work myself into a tizzy about being lonely, but that could have been more about not having friends around all the time.  When I was out in public, work or at play, I certainly didn't show any signs that I was lonely, like a number of sad people, in real life or on TV, would. 

13:55… I’ve moved from the couch and on my phone to the computer, I was tired of typing on that screen.

For the most part, I might have been lonely (or telling myself I was) for a number of years, when I wasn’t making any great effort to change anything about it.  Throughout my travels before going away to England, I had seen, met or worked with a number of attractive ladies, but I wasn’t in any place where I would do anything about it.  On the rare times that I would (and they were rare), they didn’t go very well.  That’s what I should expect when it comes to finding the ‘perfect person’ through the volumes of ladies out there, right?

I did have one interesting experience before eventually leaving for England, a girl that I worked with at the insurance company, Jennifer Asmus, she invited me to move in with her and her hairless dog, Costas, in Sunnyside.  It wasn’t anything more than a platonic relationship and that’s the way it stayed, until we were kicked out from the house, when the landlord decided to sell the property.  Living with someone was a good learning experience, especially for how crazy she came across.  There was no attraction to her from me and we never really talked about anything, so I couldn’t say if there was anything there on her side.  She was a very forthcoming person, so if she wanted me, I’m sure she would have tried for something before too long.

I can’t say for sure what the timing was there or anything, years and everything have been blurred together, but I’m fairly sure that there wasn’t a whole lot of anything.  I might have tried the online route on a number of occasions, but they never really amounted to much.

In 2002, I decided to go over to England, getting a working visa and the plan was to go over and stay with Sue & Peter and just go from there.  Over there was very interesting, getting to meet some brand new people and take in a brand new culture.  My first job was at Sue & Peter’s local pub and there I met some great people and I still talk to a couple of them.  Through Jennie Aries, one of the girls that worked there, she introduced me to her friend Francesca Leek.  I don’t really think I had to chase her down, I don’t remember how it all went down, but since I was the exotic Canadian, that would be why we hooked up, I guess.

It’s all still fairly foggy, the memories, but I do seem to think I stayed the odd night or two at her house out in the further countryside in Essex.  I don’t remember being too bothered about a breakup, but again, it’s very foggy.

Further to being an exotic Canadian, I think that is where my other hookup in the UK came from.  Lorrianne was even more of a foggy memory, so I barely would even count her for much of anything.  I have seen a picture of her through a lot of my England photos, but I don’t think it could have been any more than a one-time thing.  I think that was basically my only trip down that path of the social situation, known as the one-night stand.  Doing some digging on Facebook, I don’t see anything that would suggest anything otherwise.

When I got back from England in 2004, the thinking never really changed.  There was never really any personal hurry to find someone, yet I would find myself in some lonely situations.  

I met a great number of people, but I wasn’t in any hurry to find someone, no matter how much I said that I told myself that I was lonely.  I can’t say what year it was exactly, but I met Nao through Cam, doing a team relay road running race in the Kananaskis area through his work at JACOS.  Nao was one of his coworkers in the Calgary office and she took a liking to me.  She was a very nice girl from Japan, making her exotic to me, so I went with it.  We went out for a while and I eventually moved in with her.

I sort of remember her coming up to me, I think it was in the kitchen of the unit we were in when she told me it was over.  I didn’t put up too much of a fight.  Understanding that she didn’t want to be there.

Then between Kristy and Steph, I was friends with them for quite a while before they wanted to hook up with me.  I didn’t have to chase them at all and I certainly wasn’t running away from either of them.  Kristy wanted a bit more from me, in terms of a relationship, but as lovely as she is, all I could see was some social discomfort with her and her family.  Already knowing her brothers, I wasn’t entirely certain that any of it would have been great.  Steph, on the other hand, she is a cool lady, a single Mom and we got along pretty well.  She made the move and I wasn’t going to say no.  I think we “went out” for a few months, which was fun, but when she broke it off, I saw no issue with it and left peacefully.  Between Kristy, Steph and I, we’re still friends, them being school chums, I think, both 10 years my senior.

Finally, after drawing out the entire process, I can finally write about how I really haven’t done anything too exciting, when it comes to sex and all that kind of good stuff.  I can honestly say that I didn’t have any deep talks with any of those ladies.  There were no pushes from me to have a chat, nor were there any pushes from the other side.  I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have shied away, if confronted by that topic, but on the other hand, if I was content with where I was in a relationship, there was no part of me that was going to rock the boat.

Admittedly, not trying to have those kinds of talks was something that likely bit me in the ass, especially when it came to Nao.  I didn’t check with her to see what she needed or asked what she wanted and made an effort to make things better.

I think today is about right for me.  I haven’t found that right person and when I have reached out, Des comes to mind, that has been rejected.  Looking at that, that was never really going to work out.  There was definitely going to need some settling on my part, no matter how gorgeous I think she is, she is a smoker and a dog person, neither of which were ever going to work.  Thankfully, she rejected me kindly and after the fact, I was very much okay with it.  It made the tail end of the ball season a tad awkward, but that was going to be the case down the line eventually.

All of the fantasy situations that are out there have eluded me.  I’ve never seen the instances of a personal lingerie show or anything that may or may not be related to that sort of thing.  I guess if I ever did have that sort of experience, I’m sure I would have worked harder to stay in that sort of relationship.

15:36… I’m not too sure if I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.  I didn’t have a set target, which might have been a mistake.  I might come back to this post at some point for something, but overall, I think I’ve exercised my mind a little bit.

I have explored a couple avenues that presented themselves as options and I have seen where they may have gone wrong.  So if Ms. Perfect does seemingly appear, I’ll know how I will want to handle it, so all the possible good can come from us.

2413 Sunday, April 17th - morning

06:38… history has shown us that the human race can settle.  It's rare for somebody to find their perfect match for mating.  Some people do, sure.  A lot of people just find someone to procreate with.  The belief that they have found "a love that will last forever" seems a bit hopeful, at best.  

Humans are still animals and the construct of marriage is only given a goal to build towards, thanks to our special brains and other beliefs that we have constructed.

I have never felt the need to get married and procreation didn't appeal to me, as a true desire.  If something happened along the way, I would have just accepted it and made the best of a new situation.

A lot of these regular constructs in human life have seemingly evolved from religion and trying to pass that off as "absolutely correct" is silly, because religion, as a whole, has swung and missed on numerous occasions.

06:56… I had that thought and wanted to write it down before I got out of bed.  There are a ridiculous amount of spelling mistakes, which can and will be edited out later.

Oh, another thought did pop into my head this morning… I may have said that I have quit the second Bipasha Challenge, but there is that part of me that won't try as hard for it.  I'm still going to work on my streaks, that's a given, but if my brain wants to find its way to 25k, who am I to say no?

07:02… okay, now it's time to get up.

07:21… alright, I’m up and at the computer.

I had another thought… any, if not all religions, likely evolved from a man asking all the major questions, like “where did we come from?” came up with the idea that it was a higher power that put us here on the Earth, since major scientific research was thousands of years from properly answering that question or giving us a small inkling for how we might have come to be.  When he told all of his friends about his theories, he really sold the ‘higher power’ idea and likely constructed the idea that this higher power can see all and has some control over all.  Being the salesman that he was, he managed to coerce some other people into this new belief and really made a stink, when somebody disagreed.  

This basically writes itself.  This clearly happened more than once throughout the world and there were adaptations to the root of the story to be beneficial to the location and the people it was sold to and that would be why there are so many religions in the world.

It’s a lesson on how to over complicate life, to theoretically make things more understandable.

07:36… okay, that little brainstorm has passed, let’s get to work.

• Lung recruitment: job number one, no problem.

• Shorts change: I stayed with the green & oranges today.

• Made the bed: I tidied up the bed.

• Bottle empty: emptied the bottle.

• Wash up: the hot water was slow to arrive, but eventually came through.

• Weigh-in: weighed in.

• Computer logged on: said ‘good morning’ to Elle.

• Pills and vitamins: the morning dose was taken.

• Deodorant: sprayed, yes.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: splashed, yes.

• Moisturiser: dolloped and spread, yes.

• Shoulder brace: the brace went on okay.

• Shirt change: the older greyish blue shirt today.

• Head start: (07:43) forgot to clean the PowerBreathe too (it’s on the reminder), so straight to the 20-minute timer.

08:03… 2.6k steps only.  Nothing else.  A Bayern Munich match was on TV, but that didn’t get me too excited.  I didn’t swing my arm for any help, but I might later on.

• Email:

• Main account: not a whole lot here.

• Gmail: my Google One receipt was here.

• Upper Deck: the free pack was collected.

• Facebook: the headline memory was a walk with Benny a year ago.  Two birthdays, one worth a nod.  There were a lot of likes given out and a lot of posts skipped, because I didn’t like them (ha ha).  The memories had a walk from a year ago, as mentioned, and one from two years ago.  Do I dare go out for one today?

• Twitter: just a selfie from Crystal to brighten up that feed.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 26.1k, the sixth week is done.

• Floors: 16 floors.

• Active Minutes: 186 minutes.

• Active Heart: 93 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 449 minutes.

• Weight: 171.8 pounds.

• Stress Management: 79.

• Readiness: 42.

• RHR: 68 bpm.

• Water: I’m on my second and both have been logged.

• Google Calendar: my reminder to get Jeremy’s help tonight is on for today.

• Budget: the monthly bank fees came out yesterday, which I wasn’t expecting.  That was the only thing of note there that wasn’t already mentioned yesterday.

• Fantasy Hockey:  

My roster dropped to the bottom after a weak Saturday.  Today has some potential to make that up before the end of the week.

• Sports Interaction: my 8-game parlay was a winner, $17 in the tank.  The method paid off.  Six games today, two 3-game parlays were made.  A smart one and the other one was mostly feeling.  Neither pays greatly, but what can you do?

08:54… tunes are on and Mom has appeared for a chat.

09:18… Mom, Tegan and Bipasha have all started to chat.  Craziness.

09:22… the Sunday physio is a go.

• Bosu Ball: (09:42) I forgot to swing my arm, the 2 floors on there now were from me just milling about.  5.5k and 12 Zone minutes was the score there.

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 20 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot.

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 10 laps

• March in place at the sink, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30

• Squeeze the orange ring: 50 squeezes (10:05)

• Upper Body

• Pull the band on the sliding door, between 6pm and 11pm, lead with the back of the hand: 80 pulls blue

• Curls: 40 x 10 lbs. curls

• Rows bent over: 20 x 35 lbs. rows

• Scapular plane eccentric lowering: 10 x 10 lbs. (10:14)

• Lower Body

• Right leg weight step ups on step board: 40 step ups

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns: 60 taps

• Sink squats with elastic: 50 squats

• Single leg extended back squats: 30 squats (10:24)

• Bosu Ball: (10:46) the timer has completed.  8.7k, 18 Zone minutes and 9 floors.

• Protein shake: a shake and a banana today.

10:06… Dad has called and he’ll be coming in today and we’ll go for lunch and stop at Made by Marcus.

10:50… the physio is done.  The last session on the ball got me thinking, if I’m going to Made by Marcus, what is the name of that girl?  I searched a bit on my phone and it didn’t take me long to find Isabella.  I’ll have to casually include the memory recall, if she’s there.  I like it when a plan comes together.