13:07… I just finished watching the first two episodes of the second season of the Flight Attendant and there wasn't a whole lot else going on, so I thought I would write.
I have been thinking a bit more about my stance on the whole women thing.
I think deep down it never made the most sense to me or at least that's the way I might say it was for me.
Everyone had always made a big deal about finding 'that somebody.' There were so many people who had tried, decided to settle down and then one of so many varied results happened. The picture perfect situation of growing old together and watching your family start from the ground floor, to build up into a great and happy string of more fortunate instances. That would be ideal, no doubt, but as we've seen in many instances, is very far from the case.
What I was to understand was that the "perfect somebody" would have no work to do in the relationship. Perfect was the highest hope in that idea. If anyone really had to settle down into a relationship, was that the perfect someone?
There have always been some high hopes for me in my life, I would find that perfect person and we would enjoy our lives together. I would see on TV, which is a bad way to frame your idea of a good life, but I would see on a number of shows that characters would date endlessly until they find that perfect person. The ups and downs of the dating world was taught to be the norm, likely because the odds of finding that perfect person were so low. The only upside to the dating world on TV was that there were writers to make sure the main character finds that perfect person.
The writers were certainly key to making it look like all of these people in the dating world were reasonably happy or thereabouts.
That sort of thing was never something I strived for. I didn't really start to push the girlfriend idea until I moved to Calgary and there were no upsides to the "dating scene" except for maybe getting lucky on the rare occasion. It always seemed to cost everyone taking part in it money that they were unsure that they could afford or some of their dignity, good or bad. That never made a lot of sense to me. When I ventured into the dating idea, I went the way of the online portals.
I can't remember exactly which portal I met Julie through, but we got to talking in a stress free environment, so it was going really well. I don't remember the whole story with her, but we eventually went out on some dates and things progressed well enough that we finally hooked up.
I think she was a student in college at the time and she was going home (or something) for the summer and I didn't think I was ready for a long distance relationship, so I broke it off. She wasn't my perfect match, so I don't think I found any reason to keep that going. If TV taught me anything, there would be more women.
There weren't. I went about my life like normal, I would think that I would need someone to be happy and I would work myself into a tizzy about being lonely, but that could have been more about not having friends around all the time. When I was out in public, work or at play, I certainly didn't show any signs that I was lonely, like a number of sad people, in real life or on TV, would.
13:55… I’ve moved from the couch and on my phone to the computer, I was tired of typing on that screen.
For the most part, I might have been lonely (or telling myself I was) for a number of years, when I wasn’t making any great effort to change anything about it. Throughout my travels before going away to England, I had seen, met or worked with a number of attractive ladies, but I wasn’t in any place where I would do anything about it. On the rare times that I would (and they were rare), they didn’t go very well. That’s what I should expect when it comes to finding the ‘perfect person’ through the volumes of ladies out there, right?
I did have one interesting experience before eventually leaving for England, a girl that I worked with at the insurance company, Jennifer Asmus, she invited me to move in with her and her hairless dog, Costas, in Sunnyside. It wasn’t anything more than a platonic relationship and that’s the way it stayed, until we were kicked out from the house, when the landlord decided to sell the property. Living with someone was a good learning experience, especially for how crazy she came across. There was no attraction to her from me and we never really talked about anything, so I couldn’t say if there was anything there on her side. She was a very forthcoming person, so if she wanted me, I’m sure she would have tried for something before too long.
I can’t say for sure what the timing was there or anything, years and everything have been blurred together, but I’m fairly sure that there wasn’t a whole lot of anything. I might have tried the online route on a number of occasions, but they never really amounted to much.
In 2002, I decided to go over to England, getting a working visa and the plan was to go over and stay with Sue & Peter and just go from there. Over there was very interesting, getting to meet some brand new people and take in a brand new culture. My first job was at Sue & Peter’s local pub and there I met some great people and I still talk to a couple of them. Through Jennie Aries, one of the girls that worked there, she introduced me to her friend Francesca Leek. I don’t really think I had to chase her down, I don’t remember how it all went down, but since I was the exotic Canadian, that would be why we hooked up, I guess.
It’s all still fairly foggy, the memories, but I do seem to think I stayed the odd night or two at her house out in the further countryside in Essex. I don’t remember being too bothered about a breakup, but again, it’s very foggy.
Further to being an exotic Canadian, I think that is where my other hookup in the UK came from. Lorrianne was even more of a foggy memory, so I barely would even count her for much of anything. I have seen a picture of her through a lot of my England photos, but I don’t think it could have been any more than a one-time thing. I think that was basically my only trip down that path of the social situation, known as the one-night stand. Doing some digging on Facebook, I don’t see anything that would suggest anything otherwise.
When I got back from England in 2004, the thinking never really changed. There was never really any personal hurry to find someone, yet I would find myself in some lonely situations.
I met a great number of people, but I wasn’t in any hurry to find someone, no matter how much I said that I told myself that I was lonely. I can’t say what year it was exactly, but I met Nao through Cam, doing a team relay road running race in the Kananaskis area through his work at JACOS. Nao was one of his coworkers in the Calgary office and she took a liking to me. She was a very nice girl from Japan, making her exotic to me, so I went with it. We went out for a while and I eventually moved in with her.
I sort of remember her coming up to me, I think it was in the kitchen of the unit we were in when she told me it was over. I didn’t put up too much of a fight. Understanding that she didn’t want to be there.
Then between Kristy and Steph, I was friends with them for quite a while before they wanted to hook up with me. I didn’t have to chase them at all and I certainly wasn’t running away from either of them. Kristy wanted a bit more from me, in terms of a relationship, but as lovely as she is, all I could see was some social discomfort with her and her family. Already knowing her brothers, I wasn’t entirely certain that any of it would have been great. Steph, on the other hand, she is a cool lady, a single Mom and we got along pretty well. She made the move and I wasn’t going to say no. I think we “went out” for a few months, which was fun, but when she broke it off, I saw no issue with it and left peacefully. Between Kristy, Steph and I, we’re still friends, them being school chums, I think, both 10 years my senior.
Finally, after drawing out the entire process, I can finally write about how I really haven’t done anything too exciting, when it comes to sex and all that kind of good stuff. I can honestly say that I didn’t have any deep talks with any of those ladies. There were no pushes from me to have a chat, nor were there any pushes from the other side. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have shied away, if confronted by that topic, but on the other hand, if I was content with where I was in a relationship, there was no part of me that was going to rock the boat.
Admittedly, not trying to have those kinds of talks was something that likely bit me in the ass, especially when it came to Nao. I didn’t check with her to see what she needed or asked what she wanted and made an effort to make things better.
I think today is about right for me. I haven’t found that right person and when I have reached out, Des comes to mind, that has been rejected. Looking at that, that was never really going to work out. There was definitely going to need some settling on my part, no matter how gorgeous I think she is, she is a smoker and a dog person, neither of which were ever going to work. Thankfully, she rejected me kindly and after the fact, I was very much okay with it. It made the tail end of the ball season a tad awkward, but that was going to be the case down the line eventually.
All of the fantasy situations that are out there have eluded me. I’ve never seen the instances of a personal lingerie show or anything that may or may not be related to that sort of thing. I guess if I ever did have that sort of experience, I’m sure I would have worked harder to stay in that sort of relationship.
15:36… I’m not too sure if I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t have a set target, which might have been a mistake. I might come back to this post at some point for something, but overall, I think I’ve exercised my mind a little bit.
I have explored a couple avenues that presented themselves as options and I have seen where they may have gone wrong. So if Ms. Perfect does seemingly appear, I’ll know how I will want to handle it, so all the possible good can come from us.
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