3696 Monday, February 20th - afternoon

11:56… I was going to ask Joni if there was any topic that she would want to see covered for a homework project, but I didn't.

I just posted a handful of posts on the blog site, but there hasn't been many views on it yet.  Only Nay really knows about it, so that's probably why.  It's not even a good use of probably, it's more of a definite case than anything.

12:02… the Noon doses have been taken/applied, so now I can get back to work.

Work?  There's definitely a part of me that misses the everyday routine of getting up, going to work and living that part of life.

When I was working and living that everyday life, I think I had the question of what it would be like if I was to ever become disabled.  It was hard to imagine as a busybody, but here I am!  Life today is still about routines, but at a different pace, obviously.

The feeling of productivity has taken a whole new perspective.  Productivity is now for me and not for whoever is signing my cheques, which is an important distinction.

The social life is also not where it used to be either.  It's definitely an important aspect of life, in theory.  Everyone is different and that includes everyone's value on a social life.

I enjoy being social, but it isn't the most important thing to me.  I can spend some time alone, mostly because I don't feel a need to plot grand schemes of death and destruction.  Granted, those who do were probably treated poorly in social situations.  There are some deep rooted topics here, yikes!

I kind of wish that I had a topic to write about.  I could jump from topic to topic, but that will be hard to keep straight, as you might have already noticed.

Okay, being disabled… Yes, there is more than enough time now.  Trying to stay busy and trying to find value in just about anything that I can get my hands on.

With all this time, there certainly isn't enough good TV programming to fill it up.  Of course, that's a personal opinion, which can be debated by anyone and likely everyone.  

Alright, here's a topic that has popped up in my head, which could be associated with the topic of being disabled.  I've now gone down the path of "nothing really matters" and as dark as that is, it's an interesting idea.

12:33… that's likely what roots the "looking for something more in life" thought process and understandably so.  People have had a history of thinking that there has to be something more to this life, which attempts to be enough to keep everyone going.

There has been no proof that there is any more beyond this life, so we have got to do our best to try and enjoy what we've got.  There is a general acceptance or belief that there are things that everyone can do to make each other happy.  Unfortunately, there are those who don't subscribe to those ideas and their animal instincts end up driving their way through life, which have some potential for being pretty awful for everyone involved or looking upon them.  Of course, that's a sliding scale according to everyone's personal opinion.

Personal opinion is a slippery slope.  What have I got myself into?

Right… the time being disabled… let's try to stay on that topic.

The hours awake have surely shrunk… there are no late nights anymore, not voluntarily anyway.  The hours staying up with TV shows, movies, sporting events, beverages and friends aren't what they used to be, that's for sure.  Trying to squeeze everything into the hours available is fighting a lost cause.  Accepting that what you have to work with is less is most important, because then you're not wasting time debating how it's all going to fit and you just get right to work on living your life.

13:44… well, I just had a call from Dad, he was having some Excel problems and needed my help.  Unfortunately, it looked like he mistakenly deleted the sheet that he was looking for, instead of hiding it, which I thought was a possibility.  

While tinkering and looking for the options to unhide the sheets, he went off and screwed around with some functions and accidentally hid another sheet.  His impatience did him in and he's now back to being a little kid.  That was a 41-minute phone call, that was fun.

Now, where was I?  If you've accepted the changes in your life, then a lot less fighting will be going on in your head and you'll have more time to do what you need.  

Also, the debate of knowing what you want versus what you need is also another good time saving step, if done right away.

Having a good handle on what you value is another important aspect, both for the disabled and able-bodied types.  If you need to have a set of values decided by an all-seeing and all-knowing overlord, then so be it.  For me, personally, it's about keeping life easy, which does involve treating others well, because you'll generally get what you give in return, which keeps your life working well.

Taking a longer look at what I value now, it's a much shorter list than what it used to be.  I look at that list, which isn't in list form yet, and I don't miss the things that used to be on it.  I used to care about professional sports, movies and a few more things, but I'm not losing any sleep being oblivious to those things.

I still enjoy helping out where I can, staying active, writing, listening to music, being entertained (to a less important level) and other little things.  I'm not going to list them all here now, but if you were to ask me about a random element, I'm sure I could confidently and quickly say whether or not it matters in my life.

Everyone is going to be different, in the size of their list and the approximate value assigned to each element, but as long as you know what you believe is important to you, then you're ahead of the game.

14:16… man, that was a lot of rambling.

2820 Friday, August 5th - afternoon

12:25… one thing in this world that I have never quite understood is the feeling of hate. I mean, if you don't like something or someone, fair enough. You're well within yourself to dislike, but to me, it looks so inefficient to spend so much energy on the extreme feeling of hate. If history has taught us anything, it should be that hate is rarely appreciated. Historically, the people who have decided to turn their hatred into a cause, never have their cause celebrated in the history books. Those people are generally too caught up in their hatred to look back upon themselves and see where they have gone wrong.

There is not enough acceptance in this world and I think it is fair to say that has been a common theme throughout time on this planet. There are plenty of people out in the world, who may not look close enough like you, who believe in the same things you do or even like the same things that you do, but there's no good that can come out of hating any of those people. Out of the billions of people on the Earth, there is going to be more than your fair share of people, who don't agree with you. Accepting that will only make things easier for you, in the greater scheme of things. You don't have to like it, but just don't hate it.

Do I dislike things or people? Sure. I'm human and I have opinions, both positive and negative. What happens when I dislike something or someone? I try not to spend any time with them. If I'm required to spend some time with those that I dislike, I just quietly get through said time and not make the biggest deal out of it. There might be some people who do like those things or people, which is well within their being, and I don't need them to dislike me for disliking what they like. I'm not there to make you believe what I believe.

If you ask me whether or not I like something or someone, I can be honest without being overly passionate about it.

13:19… there's clearly a level of respect that should be maintained for everyone's well being.
"a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

Now "deep admiration" might be a tad excessive, but that definition of respect is the closest I'll come today, I think. I might disagree with someone's opinions or beliefs, but I can still respect the fact that they're human. I think that is a big point that is lost in this world and my level of respect can vary depending on the situation. Will the degree of respect for someone change, if they don't agree with me? Unlikely, but it will change if our disagreement causes them to hate or be consumed by rage and then deal with those feelings poorly, like most do in that situation. What will my low level of respect earn? There is a good chance that I will stay away from that person or thing.

I like to live a simple life, the easier life can be, the happier I can be. The simple problems, like hate, have simple solutions, like staying away. Of course, more complex problems could involve more complex solutions, but not always. It really works on a case by case basis.
What I've never been able to translate is the passion of hate turning into violence. I can see how the height of competition could lift the levels of passion up, I've watched enough hockey to see that. I have a great respect for the warriors that want to take space or ensure that the space is there for their teammates. Yes, that sort of violence is accepted and understood, mostly because when those guys are asked about it after the period or the game, it rarely comes down to one hating the other. There is usually a level of respect between the warriors, which is outwardly shown.

It's those bouts of rage and uncontrollable violence that I just can't translate. I have never felt that sort of nonsense and I feel that there is a good chance that those who do don't have the thinking capacity to let them work around it. I've also never been in a competition that involves that much passion, but that I could translate and understand.

13:59… I didn't add “hate” to my random thoughts page, but it came to me yesterday.

2458 Tuesday, May 3rd - afternoon

11:50… I’m getting an early start to the afternoon post, since I’m hoping to be doing this for a while.

The SABIS online wellness meeting got me thinking about where I am with everything.  There have been some notions of "the bigger picture."

I have accepted the idea that I am not where I thought I was going to be at this point in my life.  There isn't a lot I can do about it, except to carry on to the best of my ability.

I don't believe there is a higher being with "a plan" for me, I believe that we are all just beings on this planet, all going about our business and we're all products of our environment and actions.  

The decisions I have made have gotten me to this point.  Some decisions were clearly better than others, but that's on me to live with and I accept that.  

I have been fortunate that this certain time of the decisions has been okay and that some of the everyday necessities are more easily accomplished than years previous.  If I had to do this writing with a pen and paper, that would not likely have been enjoyable and very unlikely to happen.  The internet and TV, being what they are, has also made things easier.  

12:13… well, Dad just called to say he's five minutes away.  I don't think I was having a straight thought.  I was just typing to see what I could get.

12:47… he was having a tough time with Mike and going to have a look at jobs.  He's got to be up in Dalhousie for 13:00 and then back in Langdon by 15:00.  His timeline is going to be tight.

My Instacart shopper is already done, so he should be by soon.

I did get to 10k and 16 Zone minutes when he was here.  So 22 Zone minutes should be a snap, in theory.

Okay, back to the "bigger picture" thought. 

When I'm alone with my thoughts, my brain seems to work okay.  The thoughts seem to rush through okay, but the brain doesn't feel as busy as it once did.  I'm thinking that is a benefit, in the way that I don't seem to get as bored as I did, once upon a time.  The downside to my slower brain is that it has hurt my motor functions, especially like talking.  I can totally understand how people, like me, get super frustrated when the words don't roll off the tongue, like other people can do.

13:03… the afternoon Gabapentin was taken with the afternoon Diclo cream, so I remembered.  A big win there.

Yeah, so the frustration is definitely a real thing. There's a part of me that gets frustrated by the motor functions not working as fast as my brain still works and I would imagine that it's close to the same across the board.  The historical lack of patience in the human race is certainly a hindrance to anything good happening. 

13:17… the order has arrived, I got the 13:00 Active Hour, I opened the sliding door and I shut the curtain so I can see the phone better.

Being in the SABIS meeting has given me a new appreciation of the frustration.  There are a few others who don't speak very well and I'm sure that being with others who know what it feels like is comforting.  There are times when I might think that I am not quite the same as them, but as soon as I open my mouth, I'm quickly reminded that I am and I sheepishly crawl back into the back of my head.

Thankfully, my patience level really hasn't taken a hit, so it's never a stretch to try and be patient.  Between that and my slower brain means I'm not quick to say stupid things and really make a fool of myself.

This is now my everyday life.  As much as it's not very appealing, it's better than some of the alternatives.  I know the right people to help me out when I need it and there is still some good problem solving capacity up there, so I'm not going to suffer for any great period of time.

I keep thinking that I can take a thought and just run with it, but I think there are some thoughts that seem bigger than how they come across.

14:19… I turned on a David Spade comedy special, Nothing Personal, it's decent.  While watching it, I made it to 22 Zone minutes.