2841 Friday, August 12th - afternoon

12:16… I would like to go on the record here and say that I have some fears about the nerves on the right side of my body.  The skin on the right side of my body, from my head to my shoulder, has always been a little more sensitive and tingly, which doesn't give me much hope for the regularity of my facial features, among the rest of the concerns.

It's been like that for a while already and it never jumps immediately to the top of the list when I talk to a doctor.  I'm glad I have it written down now.  I thought of it early on in the walk, stopped to take a note and now I have it down.

Another thing I was thinking about on the walk, Mark and I walk in silence most of the time, so that let's my head think constantly.

I got to thinking a bunch of things on the walk, a lot of them had to do with the failures of the human race.  I've highlighted my distaste for religion and rightly so.  

The biggest failure, in my opinion, is the basis of society.  

Society, the biggest separation between humans and animals, which is great, the human brain can do some wonderful things, if it takes its time and thinks it through. Unfortunately, the human race has come up with some silly things, which has more or less held us back from real greatness.

One of the greatest things about the combined societies on this very small planet is the belief that everyone should just get along, but that is also one its biggest shortcomings too.  The visible lines of separation between groups of humans, be it territory, religion and/or economic system, have done a poor job of getting along with each other.  Then throw in the other variances of these human groups (sexual orientation, gender identification and/or political party) and the lines are far less defined than ever before, making a lot more confusion and as a product of that, a lot more hate.  Unfortunately, the biggest sticking point to all of the separations and/or the grey areas is that there are enough of each one of these groups, including the blurred grey areas, to make them believe that they are absolutely correct and everyone else is wrong, filling this world with all sorts of hateful feelings towards one another.

Such things like technology are really glowing achievements for mankind, but sadly, all of these shortcomings have done a hell of a job ruining any positive momentum that these achievements could really do for our kind.

The real unfortunate thing is that until we can safely split our groups from each other, via going out into the deep reaches of space, leaving this doomed planet behind and then letting each belief fend for themselves in the vast, ruthless cosmos.  Otherwise, if we wanted peace, as a whole, there would have to be a lot of killing.

13:49… man, I seriously went on a tangent there, didn't I?

One of the other shortcomings I thought of was the idea of the term "love."  More in the biblical sense, which kind of goes back to my distaste for religion.  Romantic love, family love, brotherly love, and God's divine love are the four types of love in the Bible and only two have merit in the grand sense of everything.  Family love and brotherly love.  family love is an obvious one, where brotherly love, I believe it is the association of people by an outside source, like a team.

I, personally, am moving further and further away from the idea that romantic love is even real, much like that divine garbage.  Romantic love is just another attempt to separate humans from the other animals on the planet.  Unfortunately, much like religion, more than enough people believe in it, so therefore, it has to be right. 

I, for one, do not believe that to be true, much like the other beliefs that have held the human race back, but I'm not going to put together a parade and make everyone mad at me.  I don't need that shit.

No, this stems back to the pieces on my logical brain.  It can certainly make a judgement on whether or not I prefer the way someone looks or acts, but I'm not going to walk the social tightrope of "romantic love" all for the sake of the instinctual need to start a family.  I certainly haven't felt that instinctual need, especially not enough to make me settle for someone who is less than my perfect person.

Would I have settled if I made the mistake of not taking proper precautions?  There is a very likely chance of that.  Would any of those possibilities have turned out well?  That's highly unlikely.  Did I take a lot of proper precautions?  No, I can admit that I didn't.

I believe I have noted this before, but I have never been one to chase those lovely ladies.  Do I enjoy looking at them?  You bet, I do.  Would I know what to do with one if any of them chose me?  Unlikely, but I have come to the idea that I should just ask them, as hot and steamy as that conversation would be.

No, the social programming of romantic love, through all the major entertainment mediums, has tried to get me to relent from logic and move towards the nonsensical trappings.  It has tried so hard and nearly succeeded in trying to convince me that if I don't find anyone, I'd be lonely and loneliness is the worst.

It's so absolutely rare to see marriages that last for any great duration.  The ones that do make it are likely more unlikely to be still together for anything greater than the convenience of not having to go through all the legal processes.

14:36… I've made some really good time on the phone here, as most of this was written on my Pixel 6.

2816 Thursday, August 4th - morning

08:04… I tried to sleep in, I had the headband over my eyes and that worked out okay.  When I came to and lifted the headband up, it was just past 07:30, so I considered that a success.  The body is surely feeling tired, so it might be another day of reaching the goal and just maintaining the Active Hours.  I did make a deposit around 04:00, the Fingerbot operated, but didn’t hit the button and my bowels made a case for expulsion, but it didn't work.

• Lung recruitment: 1.

• Shorts change: 3, the Purple Helmets shorts for today.

• Made the bed: 2.

• Turn the computer on: 8.

• Bladder empty: 6.

• Bottle empty: 4.

• Wash up: 5.

• Weigh-in: 7.

• Computer logged on: 10.

• Pills and vitamins: 9.

• Deodorant: 11.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: 12.

• Moisturiser: 13.

• Shoulder brace: 14.

• Shirt change: 15, the new kumquat shirt had to be tried.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (08:18) 16, I increased the resistance yesterday and it was still tough.

• Head start: (08:20) 17, let’s get this going. 

08:41… the first timer was done, while watching Sportsnet Central.  I took it easy, given my energy levels and the current readings are 2.5k, 4 floors and 11 Zone minutes.  A good start to the day.

• Email:

• Main account: both collector folders were open, but nothing important was in there.

• Gmail: a couple promos here.  I should get the new Diclo cream started, I saw the Gabapentin reminder and I’ll need more cream soon.

• Shoppers Drug Mart: I started the refill.

• Upper Deck: I sent a big deal to a seemingly random user and he accepted it last night.  The free pack was collected.

• Facebook: Mom messaged me as I finished with the cards.  I filled her in on the game last night, which wasn’t as exciting as I was hoping.  No birthdays were listed, the headline memory was unsurprisingly a walk from a year ago and there were a few reactions given in the news feed.

• Twitter: a selfie from Crystal and a couple other tweets caught my eye.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 24.8k, I was tempted to get to 25k last night, but I decided against it.

• Floors: 50.

• Active Minutes: 147.

• Active Heart: 29 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 377 minutes, it did register!

• Weight: 171.2 pounds.

• Stress Management: 67.

• RHR: 68 bpm, I finished yesterday at 67 bpm.

• Water: I have already poured my second.

• Google Calendar: nothing on today.

• Budget: the Jameson’s wing purchase, which I slid under Entertainment.  The food didn’t need to take the extra hit.

• Questrade: all three saw small recoveries, but all are still in the red.

• Netcoins: this fell a couple more dollars, but what are you going to do?

• Spotify Daily Mixes: 15 tracks to sample from Daily Mix 2.

09:20… that wasn’t too bad.  My bowels are hinting that they’re finally ready.  Some Restoralax may be needed today.

09:35… a small success.  Some movement was had and now I’ll do the lower body, hoping for more floors.

• Bosu Ball: (09:59)  5.1k, 6 floors and 11 Zone minutes.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (10:05)

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 20 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot.

• Single leg stands without a pole: 5 stands on each leg

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 10 laps

• March in place at the table, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Free weight wrist lifts off the table: 40 x 5lbs lifts

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30

• Squeeze the hand strengthener: 124 squeezes (10:25)

• Lower Body

• Right leg weight step ups on step board: 50 step ups

• Step up and down with step board no aids: 20 step overs

• Single step, forwards and backwards, right foot on the Bosu Ball with an aid: 30 steps, back and forth combos

• Reverse S Walk with target, focus on a small target: 20 laps

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns outside: 40 taps

• Chair squats with elastic: 50 squats

• Single leg extended back lunges: 30 lunges

• Lateral leg lunges: 20 lunges (10:51)

• Bosu Ball: (11:06) I gave Dad a call and jumped on the ball, the call was 12 minutes and when it ended, I stayed on to get to 8k.  23 floors and 11 Zone minutes was the reading when I wrote this.

• Protein shake: a chocolate shake for my victorious physio session.

11:08…everything is done.

Dad didn’t ask about the ballgame, so he doesn’t want to know.  I’m okay with that.

11:23… I added the idea of the heart and what it can do to the Random Thoughts and I might have a look at it now.

The heart is a crazy idea in the broad sense.  I would consider it to be a certain defining characteristic for anyone, which I have noticed that it has nothing to do with logic, it's an animal instinct which can wreak havoc on any situation.

I would consider my heart's desire for Des as definitely an instinct, but my logical brain, not to mention her defined and lack of desire for me, suggest otherwise.  My heart thinks she's gorgeous, which my logical brain agrees with. She's got an attractive character, which again my logical brain agrees with, but my logical brain offers some important counterpoints.  I won't list them, but let's just say I'd have to settle for them if my heart got its way.

Somehow, the heart and the logical brain have to agree on everything to make everything work.  I would offer my allegiance to the Canucks or Chelsea or the Blue Jays, at a lesser degree, makes sense to both parties.  My hero growing up was Trevor Linden and between my heart and my logical brain, they agreed that his leadership was an admirable trait to really learn about and possibly reflect.  He was a good player, not great, but he was a great character and his leadership ended up leading him to being president of the players association.  That all made sense to both sides and I hope I reflected that in what I did or am currently doing.

Des is the first girl in a long time to get my instinctual heartstrings going.  The stereotypical craziness that a body goes through when someone is close to someone who pulls those strings is tough to be better than.  I felt that craziness last night, but my injured logical brain was nowhere near fast enough to process those thoughts and feelings, so I just tried to make sure that I didn't fall over and really make a fool of myself.

The heart can do a lot of good and bad with other people it would seem.  The good is highlighted by all the brilliant art it can inspire, while it can inspire some crazy and horrible behavior, which of course, is a sliding scale of subjectivity.  That sliding scale is another realm of craziness, but to the supposed objectivity of the law, it's fairly straightforward.

11:59… I think I got the important bits down.  I'm not sure how much more detail I can give it, without getting down to the nitty gritty.

2805 Sunday, July 31st - afternoon

12:41… I did finish watching the Jays game and I thought about restarting to watch the BBC’s Sherlock, but there have been some thoughts floating around in my head the last few days and I thought I would try and tackle them… just to see what comes out.

There have been some larger topics floating around, some of which I may have touched on before. I have done a terrible job of adding those things to the Random Thoughts collection for times like this, so feeling ambitious, I might have a look there and see what I have thought of before.

“There is no desire for me to leave anything behind.”

This thought came to me again this morning, thinking mainly about my collection of DVDs in my Dad’s basement and I have been wondering, “just how valuable are they?” With most, if not all, important videos available through the streaming services, are my DVDs valuable enough to move from place to place and then show off at a new location? I highly doubt it. Are they going to be worth the storage space? Again, I highly doubt it.

Some time ago, I’m talking years ago, I managed to find a pawn shop that took all my CDs back when I was full on downloading my music and now with Spotify, I certainly don’t miss them. Never once have I wished that I still had the CD for the liner notes, which were only a small upside… and small might be an overstatement.

The only way collectables can be worth any money is if you find someone to sell them to. I’m thinking that the same idea can be applied to most of my hockey cards and comic books too. For me, there is very little sentimental attachment to a lot of things… a few things maybe, but on a day to day functional basis, no.

13:08… I'm seriously considering selling most things in my Dad's basement. I don't need everything down there, a few things are necessary, like my ball equipment, but otherwise, it's a waste of space.
If someone else could find some value in these things, then they would be more than welcome to give me a lowball offer. I'm not hurting for money and there is very little chance that anything down there would be worth anything in the future. So why keep it only to move it around?

I only want to carry things around that are functional or sentimental, so it will be mostly functional, if anything. I want to keep my living space very efficient.

We'll see how that goes.

13:26… "more logical brain thoughts."

Clearly, I have never been one to really follow my heart, because it doesn't make a good argument for anything that it wants.

There are plenty of beautiful people out there and the heart will "fall in love" with more than its fair share. At first glance at most of those people, they are undoubtedly attractive and they may also have a few more compatible elements to them, but most, if not all, will have something, if not a few things, that you would have to settle for when it comes to committing to them.

 
Commitment is a sticky thing, especially in this day and age. You can work your way into an impossible level of commitment without even trying these days and you are then forced to settle instead of settling down. Kids are generally the leading factor with settling.

My logical brain has always looked at seemingly good relationships as ones that don't require a lot of work. All relationships need at least a little bit of effort, but the better ones make that effort look so easy. Getting to know your partner, to a deep level, is very important and if you want to know more about them, it doesn't take a lot of hard work to do it… it shouldn't be very hard at all, especially if you really want to.

My approach to relationships has always been that way, in the few that I have had. I have always trusted my senses when it comes to other people… good, bad or extreme. For as many beautiful people that I have met, I have yet to meet what I believe is my perfect match. I have accepted the idea that a lady might have thought that I was worth a try and my approach has never changed. Taking it easy and treating them well, but I have fallen short in every case of getting to know them really well, caring enough to know what they both wanted and needed. I am pretty sure that if I did ever find that someone, that it wouldn't be an issue, because I would want to do everything that I have pointed out.
I have never been a fan of the traditional way of dating as many people as possible, in hopes that you'll find the perfect partner, or at the very least, the partner of least resistance. That's definitely a recipe for disaster, financially, emotionally and/or legally. The small feelings of "love" are not worth that cost to my logical brain. As great as those things might feel at the time, the overall cost just isn't worth it.
The real difficulty, especially nowadays, is there is so much media out there suggesting that it's out there. Movies, music and TV are a glutton of hope and there are some indications that if you don't find it, being alone is a horrible alternative.

I have admittedly fallen into that trap of loneliness, thinking that I was so depressed. Learning the ideas of love, settling down or just settling, had seen me with low spirits. I don't feel silly for feeling those things, they are certainly believable, but the alternative of settling with someone less than perfect or even worse, falling into the irreversible commitments of children with one of those partners, is not where I would want to end up.

I have been asked on some occasions how I remain in good spirits and I think my logical brain has a lot to do with it. I'm not being held back and I'm not holding anyone else back, especially with the events of the last few years. It's far more logical to approach life with positivity, because it rubs off on others. I never had an answer to the question right away, but if I'm asked again, I'll have this to fall back on.

15:08… "Deserve is my least favorite word."

I would even go so far as hating the word, deserve.

 
Do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment). That's the definition on Google.

The idea is valid, my distaste for the word is more for the cultural value of it nowadays. It gets used way too often, I think. I can't think of an example, so this may not have been the best random thought. The literal definition does stand well in how it is used most of the time, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

2490 Saturday, May 14th - early morning

06:25… I'm still lying in bed, thinking about the "perfect relationship."  There is that inherent desire to meet someone and start a family.  It's natural and we are very much still animals.  

I'm just thinking about how perfect someone would have to be to not make you feel that you're settling for that person.  As sentient beings in this kaleidoscope of a world we live in, it's going to be such a rarity to find a person that likes the same things as you, thinks in the same general way as you and that you find attractive.  The odds of finding that person are so long, the world has come up with ways to work around it.

If, at some point, you settle for someone who doesn't check all the boxes for you and you start a family with that person, things are not likely to go well for anyone.  There will be some unhappiness and it only gets worse from there.

With Nao, I honestly didn't try too hard, but in the "perfect relationship," you really shouldn't have to try too hard.  She liked me, we seemingly enjoyed each other's company, so eventually, we moved in together.

Much like most of my relationships, she chose me, for whatever reason, and I just went along with it.  I didn't have any real concerns, but if I did, I would have done something about it.  I've always gone about my business quietly and calmly.  I've never started a conversation with, "I think we should talk."  As productive or necessary as those conversations appear to be, one party in the conversation always has to settle for something.

The theory that everyone has to settle for something in someone, just shows the lack of patience that our culture has.  There are more than the world's fair share of unhappy people, having kids and teaching them how to settle for people.  

There is also that sense of loneliness, if you're not with someone and that would be what settling will keep you away from.  Would you rather be unhappy with what you settled with or unhappy that you're alone?  There are those characters out there who seemingly enjoy being angry, yelling and screaming at those who displease them and I feel bad for anyone who settles for them.

07:06… well, I think I should get up now.  I added that idea to my random thoughts sheet and I just sort of went with it anyway.  That's a good start to the writing today.

2435 Sunday, April 24th - afternoon

13:07… I just finished watching the first two episodes of the second season of the Flight Attendant and there wasn't a whole lot else going on, so I thought I would write.

I have been thinking a bit more about my stance on the whole women thing.

I think deep down it never made the most sense to me or at least that's the way I might say it was for me.

Everyone had always made a big deal about finding 'that somebody.'  There were so many people who had tried, decided to settle down and then one of so many varied results happened.  The picture perfect situation of growing old together and watching your family start from the ground floor, to build up into a great and happy string of more fortunate instances.  That would be ideal, no doubt, but as we've seen in many instances, is very far from the case.

What I was to understand was that the "perfect somebody" would have no work to do in the relationship.  Perfect was the highest hope in that idea.  If anyone really had to settle down into a relationship, was that the perfect someone?

There have always been some high hopes for me in my life, I would find that perfect person and we would enjoy our lives together.  I would see on TV, which is a bad way to frame your idea of a good life, but I would see on a number of shows that characters would date endlessly until they find that perfect person.  The ups and downs of the dating world was taught to be the norm, likely because the odds of finding that perfect person were so low.  The only upside to the dating world on TV was that there were writers to make sure the main character finds that perfect person.

The writers were certainly key to making it look like all of these people in the dating world were reasonably happy or thereabouts.

That sort of thing was never something I strived for.  I didn't really start to push the girlfriend idea until I moved to Calgary and there were no upsides to the "dating scene" except for maybe getting lucky on the rare occasion.  It always seemed to cost everyone taking part in it money that they were unsure that they could afford or some of their dignity, good or bad.  That never made a lot of sense to me.  When I ventured into the dating idea, I went the way of the online portals.

I can't remember exactly which portal I met Julie through, but we got to talking in a stress free environment, so it was going really well.  I don't remember the whole story with her, but we eventually went out on some dates and things progressed well enough that we finally hooked up.

I think she was a student in college at the time and she was going home (or something) for the summer and I didn't think I was ready for a long distance relationship, so I broke it off.  She wasn't my perfect match, so I don't think I found any reason to keep that going.  If TV taught me anything, there would be more women.

There weren't.  I went about my life like normal, I would think that I would need someone to be happy and I would work myself into a tizzy about being lonely, but that could have been more about not having friends around all the time.  When I was out in public, work or at play, I certainly didn't show any signs that I was lonely, like a number of sad people, in real life or on TV, would. 

13:55… I’ve moved from the couch and on my phone to the computer, I was tired of typing on that screen.

For the most part, I might have been lonely (or telling myself I was) for a number of years, when I wasn’t making any great effort to change anything about it.  Throughout my travels before going away to England, I had seen, met or worked with a number of attractive ladies, but I wasn’t in any place where I would do anything about it.  On the rare times that I would (and they were rare), they didn’t go very well.  That’s what I should expect when it comes to finding the ‘perfect person’ through the volumes of ladies out there, right?

I did have one interesting experience before eventually leaving for England, a girl that I worked with at the insurance company, Jennifer Asmus, she invited me to move in with her and her hairless dog, Costas, in Sunnyside.  It wasn’t anything more than a platonic relationship and that’s the way it stayed, until we were kicked out from the house, when the landlord decided to sell the property.  Living with someone was a good learning experience, especially for how crazy she came across.  There was no attraction to her from me and we never really talked about anything, so I couldn’t say if there was anything there on her side.  She was a very forthcoming person, so if she wanted me, I’m sure she would have tried for something before too long.

I can’t say for sure what the timing was there or anything, years and everything have been blurred together, but I’m fairly sure that there wasn’t a whole lot of anything.  I might have tried the online route on a number of occasions, but they never really amounted to much.

In 2002, I decided to go over to England, getting a working visa and the plan was to go over and stay with Sue & Peter and just go from there.  Over there was very interesting, getting to meet some brand new people and take in a brand new culture.  My first job was at Sue & Peter’s local pub and there I met some great people and I still talk to a couple of them.  Through Jennie Aries, one of the girls that worked there, she introduced me to her friend Francesca Leek.  I don’t really think I had to chase her down, I don’t remember how it all went down, but since I was the exotic Canadian, that would be why we hooked up, I guess.

It’s all still fairly foggy, the memories, but I do seem to think I stayed the odd night or two at her house out in the further countryside in Essex.  I don’t remember being too bothered about a breakup, but again, it’s very foggy.

Further to being an exotic Canadian, I think that is where my other hookup in the UK came from.  Lorrianne was even more of a foggy memory, so I barely would even count her for much of anything.  I have seen a picture of her through a lot of my England photos, but I don’t think it could have been any more than a one-time thing.  I think that was basically my only trip down that path of the social situation, known as the one-night stand.  Doing some digging on Facebook, I don’t see anything that would suggest anything otherwise.

When I got back from England in 2004, the thinking never really changed.  There was never really any personal hurry to find someone, yet I would find myself in some lonely situations.  

I met a great number of people, but I wasn’t in any hurry to find someone, no matter how much I said that I told myself that I was lonely.  I can’t say what year it was exactly, but I met Nao through Cam, doing a team relay road running race in the Kananaskis area through his work at JACOS.  Nao was one of his coworkers in the Calgary office and she took a liking to me.  She was a very nice girl from Japan, making her exotic to me, so I went with it.  We went out for a while and I eventually moved in with her.

I sort of remember her coming up to me, I think it was in the kitchen of the unit we were in when she told me it was over.  I didn’t put up too much of a fight.  Understanding that she didn’t want to be there.

Then between Kristy and Steph, I was friends with them for quite a while before they wanted to hook up with me.  I didn’t have to chase them at all and I certainly wasn’t running away from either of them.  Kristy wanted a bit more from me, in terms of a relationship, but as lovely as she is, all I could see was some social discomfort with her and her family.  Already knowing her brothers, I wasn’t entirely certain that any of it would have been great.  Steph, on the other hand, she is a cool lady, a single Mom and we got along pretty well.  She made the move and I wasn’t going to say no.  I think we “went out” for a few months, which was fun, but when she broke it off, I saw no issue with it and left peacefully.  Between Kristy, Steph and I, we’re still friends, them being school chums, I think, both 10 years my senior.

Finally, after drawing out the entire process, I can finally write about how I really haven’t done anything too exciting, when it comes to sex and all that kind of good stuff.  I can honestly say that I didn’t have any deep talks with any of those ladies.  There were no pushes from me to have a chat, nor were there any pushes from the other side.  I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have shied away, if confronted by that topic, but on the other hand, if I was content with where I was in a relationship, there was no part of me that was going to rock the boat.

Admittedly, not trying to have those kinds of talks was something that likely bit me in the ass, especially when it came to Nao.  I didn’t check with her to see what she needed or asked what she wanted and made an effort to make things better.

I think today is about right for me.  I haven’t found that right person and when I have reached out, Des comes to mind, that has been rejected.  Looking at that, that was never really going to work out.  There was definitely going to need some settling on my part, no matter how gorgeous I think she is, she is a smoker and a dog person, neither of which were ever going to work.  Thankfully, she rejected me kindly and after the fact, I was very much okay with it.  It made the tail end of the ball season a tad awkward, but that was going to be the case down the line eventually.

All of the fantasy situations that are out there have eluded me.  I’ve never seen the instances of a personal lingerie show or anything that may or may not be related to that sort of thing.  I guess if I ever did have that sort of experience, I’m sure I would have worked harder to stay in that sort of relationship.

15:36… I’m not too sure if I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.  I didn’t have a set target, which might have been a mistake.  I might come back to this post at some point for something, but overall, I think I’ve exercised my mind a little bit.

I have explored a couple avenues that presented themselves as options and I have seen where they may have gone wrong.  So if Ms. Perfect does seemingly appear, I’ll know how I will want to handle it, so all the possible good can come from us.

2356 Thursday, March 24th - afternoon

12:34… I’m feeling a need to write.  So, here goes.

My current thoughts on dating… yeah, that’s a good start.  Okay, I have been historically terrible at choosing someone and be lucky enough for them to say yes.  Des was the most recent attempt at it, which is probably for the best.  As gorgeous and athletic as she is, she’s also a smoker and a dog-lover… both of which I was going to look past, but for how long?  There was also Charla, who is fairly religious and she had thought about the idea of going out with me, even since the accident, and me being an Atheist was an immediate no for her.  That’s okay, that would have been weird down the line.  It might have been interesting, but the more likely result would have utter frustration, more so for her, likely.

I think my first girlfriend was Julie.  We met online and things walked down the line from chatting to eventually meeting and then things progressed, which was a pretty normal process for me, looking back at everyone and everything.  I have never been one to see a gal, who I found attractive, and just try to talk with her.  That’s never been my style and the results have certainly shown that.  I always wanted to get to know someone first and then see where it went, in theory.

My memory is really fuzzy on the next three girls on my list, but I remember I was introduced to Nao by Cam, as they worked together and we did a running event with their company and things just went from there.  Francesca and Naomi were both in the UK and I’ve got the feeling that they saw me as an interesting foreigner and things kind of went from there.  Both Kristy and Steph I have known for quite some time before we hooked up, not at the same time, but I was friends with both of them for a long time before and I was their junior at the time of.  I still am, I guess, but that’s not the bigger point.

Yes, I did feel lonely, when I didn’t have anyone around, which was a lot of time, opposed to dating or in Nao’s case, living with.  I did write some poetry back in the day, which I’m now curious about whether or not I’ve kept any of that poetry.

13:03… right, where was I?  Yes, loneliness.  Fortunately for me, I have kept a fairly simple lifestyle, the easier, the better.  I have been one to take things as they come, including women, and just work it.  I look at people having relationship problems and that has never been the most appealing product of “everyday life.”  To find the “perfect mate” takes a lot of work and an absolute ton of luck.  If luck has a greater value to it than work, I can let luck do most of the work for me.

Ever since the accident, I have had some thoughts about possibly getting together with someone, Des and Charla spring to mind, but that would have been a lot of work for what exactly?  The cons outnumber and grossly outweigh the pros in that argument.  What do I need?  Some help around the house, which I have sourced out and maybe the odd orgasm, which I have accustomed to the occasional alternative fitness session, which the number of those has diminished in recent memory.

I’m trying my best not to worry about any of it and it’s seemingly going well of late.  I can look upon a woman and admire her individual beauty, be it traditional or in the subjective sense.  I don’t look at a lady and think to myself, “if I had her, I would do ______ to her.”  That’s never really been in my thinking.  I would say, honestly, I might have thought, “I wonder what she looks like naked.”  But that’s it.  Who hasn’t thought that?

No, besides the naked thoughts, I’ve never really said to myself, “boy, I would sure like to spend some time with her.”  Maybe just Des, but that’s really all.

Since I never really had a whole lot of choices in my dating career, besides whether or not to agree to their selection of me, I’ve never really been a boyfriend acting at his best.  I look at my relationship with Bipasha, as professional as it is, not to mention a few more of my caretakers, I’ve really gone the extra mile in wanting to take care of them, as well as they’re taking care of me, professionally.  It is quickly becoming apparent that it was never impossible for me to be a better person, but having someone do their best to take care of me, that has sparked something in me to do and/or be better.

13:34… I’m going to get my hourly steps and then go find my laptop and try to write on the couch.

13:54… wow, that took a lot longer than expected.  I did have to plug it in, uninstall some things and get my hourly steps, but I wasn’t thinking that it would be a 20-minute job.  Oh well, no worries.

Yeah, so between, most notably, Sharon and Bipasha, I’ve given a care about someone who is caring for me.  It isn’t the same, no arguments there, but it is somewhat important to what I’m trying to get to.  I can care about someone and show that person that they are important to me, which probably was rarely done, if at all, with the ladies that I have previously mentioned.  Which would have likely been the reason for each breakup from me, except for Julie, I wasn’t very into her.

I look at the animalistic side of it all, I’m sorry, I’m just going where my train of thought takes me. Between the need to pass along my genes and the method of doing so, that’s never really been the most important part of my thinking.  The desire to be with someone, that has held a candle for whatever that is worth.  The work required to make sure you’re compatible with that person and adapting to all the differences, just doesn’t seem very efficient to me.  I would accept the rare case that I would find someone who is perfect or just so marginally imperfect that it’s not noticeable.

Between the battle against loneliness, the instinctual urges or keeping an efficient lifestyle, I’m siding with the latter.

14:18… I was thinking there would be more to that, but I might come back to this line of thinking at some point.

Maybe to finish the idea… I’m certainly not going to rule anything out, but I certainly am not going to look for it.  I’ll give an interested party a chance, if they strike some important criteria (whether or not I find them attractive and their personality), while some other important ones (music, beliefs and sports) can be handled on a case by case basis.  Besides paying money for the care that I need, I don’t really stand a chance with that one.

I’m thinking that the way it stands now, someone would have to work a lot harder than what anyone just meeting me for the first time would expect, when they meet that someone for the first time.  I couldn’t possibly put someone through that, who didn't know what the benefits would be or who I was.  Now, if someone knew what the workload was going to be and they were still up for the challenge, who am I to say no?  Assuming they have met the other criteria.

14:46… I have been admittedly distracted by the software updates that the laptop needs, so they will take some more time, but I think I’ve got the bulk of what I wanted to write down.