3229 Monday, December 26th - early morning

05:46… some gas and my bladder rudely woke me up and I felt the need to get up.  Now, I can't get back to sleep.

I'vr been thinking about my thoughts about how people want a bigger and better story for themselves and I've had another thought… People want to believe in the mysterious supernatural because they don't want anything to be their fault.

"It's just God's way" or "it must have been written in the stars'' or "it was just meant to be."  All of those types of lines are out there to explain the inexplicable to the simple minds.

Everything has a reason for happening, yes, or it has several reasons through countless layers of thoughts, actions, mistakes and/or conversations, which cannot immediately be grasped in that certain moment, trying to explain why it happened.

If you're one that craves more meaning in your life, you can obviously move to the mystic arts and try to find the one you can wrap your head around, but at the end of the day, this planet will continue on its orbit and the 8 billion people on it, will inhabit it until either they find a way to move on or they fight their way to a horrible destruction of the planet's ecosystem, ending all life on it in one big swoop.

People on this planet need proper leadership.  Each country, continent, territory or confederation has their own way, belief structure, currency and government, not to mention the factions of people who believe in those things or those who don't.  There is just too much going on and no real resolutions are going to be achieved.

There are some hopeless romantics who believe that their belief structure will pull us through as a whole or just pull the select few who do believe. 

06:25… oh well, time to get moving.

3184 Sunday, December 11th - morning

07:20… I waited to finish the level in Game Of Words that I was on before getting going and there was an extended bathroom stop needed in the early NCR too, just in case you were wondering about the start time.

The night was pretty good, except for the time being cut short again.  I was pretty comfortable and I was definitely dreaming.  Dreaming of getting chased, I’m not sure by who, but there was a chase going on.  I must have been moving around in bed, because the neck pillow I use for writing at night was on the floor this morning.

• Lung recruitment: 1.

• Shorts change: 2, purple & yellows.

• Made the bed: 3.

• Turn the computer on: 8.

• Bladder empty: 5, bladder & bowel.

• Bottle empty: 4.

• Wash up: 6.

• Weigh-in: 7.

• Turn off the Katchy: 19.

• Computer logged on: 10.

• Pills and vitamins: 9.

• Deodorant: 11.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: 12.

• Moisturiser: 13.

• Shoulder brace: 14.

• Shirt change: 15, maroon yoga.

• Fitbit battery: 16, 97%.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (07:35) 17.

• Head start: (07:37) 18.

07:57… the first timer has been completed with Sportsnet Central on.  

It’s hard not to notice that there are an unsettling amount of betting websites advertising on TV now, which has led my brain to consider how their only guard against being accused of the eventual financial downfall of many is having a clause in the programming about “responsible betting.”  The similarities to all the alcohol advertising is quite atrocious.  As much as responsible habits are being suggested, they certainly aren’t going to work.  Failures will happen, knowing first hand about not responsibly drinking, and it’s interesting to see where the line is, in terms of protection.  The government can’t stop irresponsible behaviour, they just force the absolute minimums for legal reasons.

Okay, I just needed to work that out in my head.  Alcohol, gambling and religion… they’re all designed to make you feel good, but they all don’t mean anything at the very end of it all.

• Email:

• Main account: I had one trade offer accepted and a couple pieces of spam.

• Gmail: a couple pieces in there that didn’t make any difference.

• Upper Deck: it was a 2 for 2 deal that I sent out and the free pack was 0 for 3 again.

• Facebook: three notifications, no birthdays and there was plenty to react to in the news feed.

• Twitter: nothing caught my eye there.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 21.1k.

• Floors: 68.

• Active Minutes: 90.

• Active Heart: 17 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 355 minutes.

• Weight: 170.2 pounds.

• Stress Management: 81.

• Readiness: 88.

• RHR: 65 bpm.

• Water: the second was poured in time.

• Budget: nothing again.  An Instacart order may be needed today.

• Brenda's Hockey Pool: yesterday wasn’t great, I’m still down 115.3-111.8.  My last two additions were made to possibly help my cause.

• Fantasy Hockey: I’m still down here too.  112-84, it’s not my week again.

• Tony’s World Cup Pool: I’m still in 2nd and I have been wrestling in my head about Morocco… Do I take them or not?  If I want to win 1st place, I’ll likely have to take them.

08:49… I thought about an Instacart order, but couldn’t commit to the idea.  Maybe I will later.

08:53… I’ve fallen behind the regular schedule, oh well.

• Bosu Ball: (09:16) the timer was done, 4.6k, 26 floors and 1 Zone minute.

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 30 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot

• Single leg stands without a pole: 5 stands on each leg

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• Calf stretches: 2 stretches each leg x the count of 45

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 10 laps

• March in place at the table, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Bat turns: 100 turns, 27oz bat

• Free weight wrist lifts off the table: 100 x 5 lbs lifts

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30 

• Squeeze the hand strengthener: 88 squeezes (09:47)

• Upper Body

• Pull the band on the sliding door, between 6pm and 11pm, lead with the back of the hand: 80 pulls red

• Curls on the Bosu Ball: 50 x 10 lbs. curls

• Rows bent over: 30 x 35 lbs. rows

• Scapular plane eccentric lowering: 10 x 10 lbs. (09:56)

• Lower Body

• Step ups on the step board, each foot leads for a song: 194 step ups, One Week of Danger by the Virgins and Weird Goodbyes by the National. 6.3k, 31 floors and 4 Zone minutes.

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns: 40 taps (10:09)

• Bosu Ball: (10:30) 8.7k, 31 floors and 4 Zone minutes… I did a good job of catching up to the desired step pace.

• Protein shake: a caramel shake is what popped up today.

10:31… and now, I’m done with the Sunday physio.

10:41… I seem to be having some thoughts about the relevance of anything.  Looking at life in that direction, it makes a lot of sense when the previous figures in human history created a fictional relevance.  Life just had to mean more than nothing, right?

The fictional creation created hope and relevance for the human race to continue to evolve.  We, as a people, wouldn't be where we are without that hope.  Where anyone finds their meaning to continue is purely up to them and those who can't find it will likely choose their way to finish.

That sense of wanting more is an interesting notion.  

Just seeing the definition doesn't feel enough in the grand scheme of things.  It seems to mean so much to everyone.

I suppose that if everyone in the human race was content with what they had, we'd still be so far back in the evolution of everything.

I, for one, am reasonably content, despite my physical shortcomings or losses.  Do I want my previous life back?  Sure, but that isn't going to happen.

I'm content with where I am at the moment.  Of course, there is going to be some return on the accident and I should be living a little bit better.

The biggest point that I like pointing out is that I can definitely see myself becoming a recluse.  I kind of understand the attraction to that lifestyle.  Just occupying my designated space and not causing any trouble.

Thanks to my brain injury, I'm not getting the same enjoyment from playing fantasy sports.  Watching sports doesn't need any extra meaning in my head, so the enjoyment of said sports sort of fades away.

That will likely turn some heads in my personal community.  It's becoming more of a chore than a pleasure.  Writing it down does make me feel better.

Nay was asking me what goals I had going forward and I have always been one to stay away from goal setting.  If you have goals, there is always a chance for disappointment.  I have always benefitted from enjoying the things that improve my life, as a whole.  I enjoy them more if I'm getting better at doing them.  There's that word again!  

11:48… I got up, found Seinfeld and got my 10k steps.

3111 Thursday, November 17th - early morning

05:28… while on the phone with Nay, I dropped a "live in the now" line on her.  I can't quite remember how I got there, but I did say something like that to her and after a deposit just now, that's the line I'm thinking about the most right now.

Nay is compelled to dwell in what she has lost recently.  Both her parents passed away not long ago and she had her longtime cat pass away too.  I think it's healthy to grieve, but to keep going back to them in conversation isn't healthy.

Personally, I don't emotionally miss anything.  I say to Bipasha that I miss her when she is not around, more because that usually makes her feel good, but I acknowledge that she is a great chef and we get along just swimmingly, but do I actually miss her when she's not here?  No, I make the most of what I've got at the moment.

Emotions are a funny beast.  People deal with them differently and that's one of the biggest difficulties in navigating through life with billions of other people.

Logically speaking, emotions don't always seem to make the most sense.  They can be fun to play with, but they can also be a huge weight holding us down.  In my desired "easy life," I understand that emotions can make things and decisions more difficult, which is why I can separate myself from them a little easier.  Is it the healthiest mentally?  I would debate on the side for it, because it hasn't hurt my mood and my interactions with others.

I've always tried to look at the big picture, trying to decide whether or not something is good for me and/or will make my life easier.  I look at things or activities and assess what the benefits of the good are versus the cost of the bad.  Clearly, that's what everyone should do for everything.  Further to that, assessing the cost of good versus the value of the good thing.

I think this will take me back into the relationship thought process.  The perfect relationship shouldn't take any work at all.  You and your partner should enjoy the same things and dislike the same things.  There are billions of people out there, there has to be someone who thinks like you.  If you're going to settle for less, what is the cost of that?  Emotions?  Time?  Money?  Is it worth it to settle?

You might have that noted instinctual need to procreate.  What's that worth to you?  Most who answer that question with "everything," don't look at the big picture, in my opinion.  The nature of procreation in life today seems to me to be just as destructive as it is productive.  There are more than a few mistakes made, thanks to this instinctual need and as good as bringing new life into this world can be, are the overall costs of our lives and everything we enjoy worth it?

I would have paid that cost, if I didn't get away with making those mistakes, because I wasn't the most careful, but I am sure glad that it didn't cost me in the biggest picture, although everything would have turned out differently and I might still have my arm.

No, no… I'm not going to dwell in what could have been, I'm going to live in the now and accept where I am.  I'll change what is needed, if I can and I'll just go on as such.

06:28… time to get up!

3069 Wednesday, November 2nd - early morning

05:21… what do you value the most?

Prior to the accident, I put a lot of value into my love of professional sports teams, like the Canucks and Chelsea, but they were no help to my recovery.

I want to go down the road of the value of cheering for those professional sports teams and what it got me.

It's fun to be associated with a team, as it acts like a relationship with someone.  There is something to be said about someone who sticks with a team through the bad years, as much as the good ones.  Sadly, with so many pro teams, in just about every sport, championships are much harder to win and the associated argument value of that is so much higher, among fellow supporters of the sport or the league.

In the grand scheme of it all, what's it really worth?  In recent years, I have placed less immediate value on those teams, because supporting them didn't save my life.  I still support them when I see what they're up to, but I'm not going to go as crazy as some, because I don't value it as much as I did before.

That can be said about a few things.  TV shows and movies don't carry the same value as they once did.  I don't feel like there is as much time in our existence to comb through everything new, especially like I once did.

Sticking to the old favorites and venturing into some of the newer additions to my favorite franchises keeps me in a good spot of satisfaction.

I'm also getting tired of the "overly critical" line of thought.  It has become fashionable to try and find the smallest flaws in everything.  Yes, there are critics of just about everything and they get paid for their critiques, but no one is going to stop and pay someone money to someone who made a critical observation, correctly, incorrectly or controversial.

Being ever so close to death has changed my perspective on a lot of things.  Entertainment being one, obviously, but just the overall sense of enjoyment is such a big deal.  Did you enjoy your life, at the end of it, that's a big deal.

05:55… that was a long way around to get there.  If you didn't enjoy your life, there's a pretty good chance that you caused the people around you to not enjoy your life as well.

3064 Monday, October 31st - early morning

05:53… as much as religion has taught the world some good bits, like being kind to everyone, Christianity has really missed the mark or has led moat people down a poor path that hasn't kept up with the current time.

The biggest issue that I have with "scripts" like the Bible is that it was written by whomever at a time where very little had been established.  The interpretations of it throughout time have been done by "holy" people.  Unfortunately, interpretations are always 100% subjective and they can generally lean towards what the person or group wants or needs.

That, on that very root, is a scam.  It has been too widely integrated into the fibres of every society and that's where the human race will fail, as a whole.  The arguments of right and wrong will eventually develop into wars and the worst case scenario for all will go down and it doesn't feel too far away.  

06:13… just a thought that I needed to write down.

06:20… now all the thoughts are coming… I must be awake now.

The most evident element to this scam is how everyone is taught to follow and a select few are taught to lead.  I mean, how easy is that?

Be a good person, give us money to help us "guide" you better and pay us even larger sums of money to have us perform ceremonies that will help us "guide" you better as well.

The only thing going in religion's favor is just how established it is.  It has sunken into the fibres of a lot of people, so much so that they'll never leave.

If anything or anyone tried to duplicate it for their benefit, they would be called out as a fraud and face the laws in place that protects those established scams.

06:34… oh well, time to get up!

 

2981 Monday, October 3rd - early morning

03:43… looking back at my memories, trying to piece them together.  I seem to think that one of the few times I have been mad in my life was something that Nay did to me.  I seem to think that I was hanging around in England because of her.  I think I tried to push her to get together and she wasn't having any of that, but there was one night, I went up to Ipswich and she may have decided to go out with someone else, I got mad at her, slammed the door behind me and then went back to Colchester/Wormingford for the night and on that trek home, I decided that I would go back to Canada.

It might have been something close to that event, which changed my life's course.  I think that was the last time that I had been mad, until that time in February with Dad.  Wow.

03:56… I need that written down.

04:16… thinking about it more, Nay could have made my affinity towards older women and likely could explain how my philosophy on relationships came about.  

I seem to recall that when Nay and I hung out, it was just easy.  There was nothing overly difficult about it and after I tried to push it forward, she wasn't having any of that and I seem to think she chose someone else and that's what really pissed me off.

I'm going to share this with her and see how close my broken brain came down to it.  That would have been in 2005 and it was 17 years between times I literally got mad.

04:26… clearly, I'm good with her now.  Her apologizing for not sleeping with me makes way more sense now.

2975 Saturday, October 1st - early morning

04:45… I made a deposit 15 minutes ago and my mind has been going, much to the dismay of my body.

I caught myself thinking of reasons not to start a family and not wanting more people to suffer through the horrible society that we have going on at the moment is a big one.

I don't need my name or likeness to live on for future generations if all they're going to do is suffer through life.  

The planet is dying at a much faster rate than any other generation has seen, why make it worse?  Having more kids isn't necessarily going to make anything better.

I can understand the animal portion of the human psyche wanting to multiply around the world and that same animal portion doesn't really care about the future harm that it will do by multiplying, it just needs to multiply.

The way the human race has their governments and their beliefs has some dire consequences coming and it's silly to think otherwise.  The science of global warming is obviously winning and the people that understand that are ridiculously outnumbered by those who don't believe or care.  If I have learned anything, it's that the human race, after they have finished their formative learning years, however many they endure, they stop learning as a collective.

There's a part of me that is a little surprised by the lack of panic in society, but the "ignorance is bliss" approach to living is winning.  The "there's still a chance" group of optimists are doing their best to relieve the masses, but the masses don't want to learn what they can do to help out.

Society's insecurity and overall suspicion of anything and everything is likely the biggest hurdle anyone that wants to save the planet has to deal with.  If someone or some group has a good idea, the conspiracy theorists will have their hand at making sure a good portion of society is unsure if the idea is a positive one.  There are a lot of minds out there that shouldn't be thinking at all.

05:14… society is going to destroy society.  Full stop.