3269 Sunday, January 8th - morning

07:15… it was an okay night.  There was a deposit made sometime around 02:15 and I was able to get back to sleep.  It wasn’t the most comfortable sleep, but it wasn’t overly uncomfortable either.  I wasn’t in the biggest hurry to get up, there was nothing that I was looking forward to, in order to expedite the process.

Nevertheless, I’m up now, I added a serving of Restoralax to my coffee and I’m ready to get going.

• Lung recruitment: 1.

• Shorts change: 3, purple & yellows.

• Made the bed: 2.

• Bottle empty: 4.

• Bladder empty: 5, bladder & bowel.

• Wash up: 6.

• Weigh-in: 7.

• Turn the computer on: 8.

• Pills and vitamins: 9.

• Computer logged on: 10.

• Deodorant: 11.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: 12.

• Moisturiser: 13.

• Shoulder brace: 14.

• Shirt change: 15, red & black.

• Fitbit battery: 16, 36%.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (07:31) 17.

• Head start: (07:33) 18.

07:53… the balance was a little frayed, stepping off more than a few times and the 1.9k and 12 floors were good indicators of that.  That was not great or even good, for that matter.

• Email:

• Main account: a trade offer was accepted and two more were received.  All three folders were open too.

• Gmail: an Instacart promo was in there this morning.

• Upper Deck: both trade offers wanted the same card, but one was offering a card I didn’t have and that won.  The free pack was 2 for 3, so three came off the wishlist this morning.  The MVP progress now sits at 101/200.

• Facebook: two notifications, an unworthy birthday and there weren't many reactions given.

• Twitter: there wasn’t much to speak of there.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 22.3k.

• Floors: 100.

• Active Minutes: 150.

• Active Heart: 26 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 419 minutes.

• Weight: 172.4 pounds.

• Stress Management: 77.

• Readiness: 47.

• RHR: 65 bpm.

• Water: the second has been poured.

• Budget: yesterday’s Walmart visit needed logging.

• Brenda's Hockey Pool: my good day wasn’t good enough, 118.1-105.9 is what I’m still down by.  Today doesn’t look good.

• Fantasy Hockey: my lead shrunk from 15 to 2 points.  Not fantastic.

• Tony's Football Pool: 53 entries went 2-0 yesterday, including myself and Dad.  The big day is today.

08:27… there’s the Sunday routine done.  There was a Sport Chek clearance promo that interested me.

08:35… nothing did interest me.

• Bosu Ball: (08:59) 4.1k made for a decent second timer.  There were also 33 floors.  

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 20 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot

• Single leg stands without a pole: 5 stands on each leg

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• Single leg stands with a pole: without leaning on the pole, move the eye focus, 1 set on each foot.

• Calf stretches: 2 stretches each leg x the count of 45

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 13 laps

• March in place at the table, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Bat turns: 100 turns, 28oz bat

• Free weight wrist lifts off the table: 100 x 10 lbs lifts

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30 

• Squeeze the hand strengthener: 73 squeezes (09:38)

• Upper Body

• Pull the band on the sliding door, between 6pm and 11pm, lead with the back of the hand: 80 pulls red

• Curls on the Bosu Ball: 40 x 10 lbs. curls

• Rows bent over: 30 x 35 lbs. rows

• Scapular plane eccentric lowering: 10 x 10 lbs. (09:47)

• Lower Body

• Step ups on the step board, each foot leads for a song: 239 step ups, Black Mirror by Arcade Fire and Merry Happy by Kate Nash, 5.9k, 39 floors and 7 Zone minutes.

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns: 40 taps (10:00)

• Bosu Ball: (10:23) 8k, 39 floors and 7 Zone minutes.

• Counter Total: 350 

• Protein shake: a fourth cuppa and a chocolate shake.

09:04…  I readjusted my brace, it wasn’t quite feeling right on the ball.

10:25… the physio is done.  

10:29… I've moved to the couch and I'll try to remember what was keeping my brain busy on the ball.

Yesterday, Dad saw an envelope from Rakuten on the table and he questioned me about it a little.  I said that I had a look at it and gave it a try.  If I knew him, which I do, he was likely annoyed by the relentless marketing, which automatically made it a bad thing.  There is another company, Poshmark, having a relentless marketing campaign and that clearly was annoying him too.  He was under the impression that people are assuming that they'd be making a lot of money with these companies, but there was no mention of large profits with either program.  He's definitely showing his age.

I was also thinking about just how bad the word "believe" is.  I'm thinking that I have tackled this idea before.  I went right back to it, thinking how bad of shape the human race is in, purely on the belief systems around the world.  Religious beliefs, political beliefs and other various things all have an effect on the greater whole.  There isn't a lot of logic in their reasoning, which conflicts with other beliefs and through that conflict may come some form of violence.

Both points were thought of greatly to keep my brain busy, instead of thinking about a bad day in the brain.  I'm not caring a great deal about the usual things.  Thankfully, I'm sticking to the steps and exercise, so that hasn't been lost, although it has been close.

There isn't a great fear for my bad day, I'm not feeling anything that I shouldn't, in theory.  I'm sure that it will pass, but there might be a little darkness in these thoughts.  It might be considered dark for some, like 'do we value life too much?'

If I was to start a political party or an interest group, I would highlight the ideals of keeping the human race moving forward.  There is a proven science that there is some evolution going on with our species.

Evolution doesn't require that the entire species stays alive, rather the weaker lot does fall to the sides and the stronger procreates amongst itself.

The sheer numbers of humans, already on this planet, has opened up the biological possibilities of just about anything.  A lot of conflicts about denying that a possibility possibly occurred is remarkably silly.  There has been no scientific proof that any of these possibilities mean that there is a genetic weakness.  Evolution is not in jeopardy, just because these differences exist.

I'm also a wee bit confused about the whole suicide opposition.  This is where the "value of life" really comes into question.  Does the general public like to see death?  No, of course not.  Does the general public like suffering?  No, but death is worse.  How logical is that?

11:23… I got up for a bathroom break and got my Active Hour.

How is death worse than suffering?  Death is absolute, yes, but the chance of recovery from the suffering varies way too greatly and the recovery process, more often than not, is very costly.  If someone wants to recover from what they're suffering from, then the cost makes sense.  If someone wants to die, then the cost of a recovery that they don't want seems excessive.

How many of those successful recoveries lasted for very long?  What did it cost for them to only fall back into some more suffering?  Do we value the chance of something good happening too much?

That can be taken to a whole new level with the conflicts of abortion.  If a couple gets pregnant and they're not ready for it, how good is that life going to be when it comes into this world?  What if a girl gets raped and impregnated, how good is that life going to be?  The chances are quite slim that financial certainty and/or happiness will follow it along and more suffering will happen.

How long does suffering last when someone dies?  The person who dies won't suffer anymore and the people attached to that death may suffer from sadness for a while, but most will go back along their lives, moving on.  Those who suffer greatly from their sadness will either want to get better or not.  

The value the general public seemingly puts into those small chances really is illogical.  It all stems back to the general beliefs of the general public, which is likely the reason that a political party like that wouldn't succeed nowadays.

11:56… yeah, that bit of writing has lifted my spirits a little.

3246 Saturday, December 31st - afternoon

12:52… I have moved to the couch, loading up my laptop, because I wasn’t feeling writing on my phone again.  I wanted to see how this goes and work from there.

With New Year’s right around the corner, I’ve gotten to start thinking again and there are some things worth noting for me.  All of the celebrations taking place around the world, which have already started in the Far East, don’t seem to be relatable to me anymore.

I guess you could say that I am growing colder in my 40’s, mostly because I don’t seem to care as much about anything nowadays.  I’m not exactly getting evil, I’m just at a point of indifference about anything and everything.  I’m definitely gaining more understanding for the storied hermits, in fiction and in reality, seeing that everyone else still seems to care about people, places and things and not feeling any relation to that idea.

This time of year is just full of empty sentiment, a lot of which people attach themselves to in order to gain a sense of belonging.  I can definitely see how that would be important to those who feel the need for that kind of thing.  For a lot of hermits, which is only just a guess, because I have much doubt that many of them have involved themselves in many official polls on the subject, they have likely come to the conclusion that nothing really matters in this universe.  How far they have explored that idea will likely vary from hermit to hermit, but just understanding that nothing really matters can really free up a lot of energy in life.

When I boil down my understanding of life on this marble that we call Earth, a lot of popular beliefs fall to the wayside and by a lot, I basically mean all of them.  What we know for sure is that humans, like all animals on this planet, are born, they live their life and then they die.  Really easy and straightforward.  Humans, throughout history, have been prone to want something more in just about every facet of our being.  They have all wanted more meaning, reason and in most cases, more success.

I’m thinking that I have written this idea before, but instead of needing to go back through the archives, I’ll write it again, just to save time.

13:53… I like to think I have done a good job of figuring out how to live a pretty good life.  Has it been the best possible result?  No, probably not, but are there any regrets?  No, nothing too terribly important in that regard.  I’ve taken what has been presented to me, looked at it all with my logical mind, determining whether or not it made sense to me.  I’ve had to be adaptable to a number of situations, giving a few things a try and determining whether or not they should be used going forward.

Popular ideas and/or beliefs in the world, like religion or relationships never made a lot of sense to me.

Religion has had its place throughout society, instilling a fear of eternal damnation if you don’t follow their rules.  I can see how a need for an overarching supernatural judgmental spirit would be necessary for those who required a reason to follow said rules.  The rules, themselves, have made a lot of sense through time, having the real good ones as the foundation of today’s laws in the present day.  Sadly, there are a number of minds, especially in overarching positions of power, that have not evolved, like humans and society have.

I never thought anything in the Christian folklore made a whole lot of sense, so I never kept any of its reasoning close at hand.  I’ve been a good person, more for the good spirited returns that I will see in this lifetime, rather than the make believe returns in the unproven afterlife.

Now, relationships… that’s a different beast.  First, the animal's sense of mating… there hasn’t been a drive to branch out and start my own family.  I’ve looked at a lot of examples of families in my life and I haven’t seen anything about them that I would like to attach myself to.  

The time required for relationships is a ridiculous cost for an uncertain return.  Personally, I’ve never met anyone who has appeared to me to be worth all that time spent.  The early stages of a lot of relationships are definitely exciting, as you’re both learning about each other, physically and mentally. 

The church’s idea of love and marriage definitely showcase their inability to evolve.  I have definitely noticed that animals, not just humans, can change their minds about something.  

To me, if I have found that person that I would consider to be my “perfect match,” I wouldn’t need a title or piece of paper to say so.  The belief that my perfect match is out there is only just that… a belief.  There is no proof of it being the case and the cost of trying to find that “special someone” is also exceptionally high.

I would say that finding that perfect match has some long odds associated with it.  Society again bases their principles on the religious foundation that everyone is going to find someone, start a family and be happy with that idea.  They teach everyone, from an early age, that if you don’t find someone, you’ll be lonely and sad.

The cost of trying to determine if someone is worth your time, money and well being is far too high, only to find out that they’re not.  In theory, the perfect fit will be easy to determine, especially if you know what you’re looking for and need.

I think that dating nowadays is just the process of learning whether or not you would settle for them.  You acknowledge that they’re not perfect, but someone you could stand to be around, more often than not, which won’t be a constant throughout your life.  I, personally, don’t want to settle for someone, nor have someone settle for me.  At the root of that idea, there is always room for improvement and that’s hardly a stable foundation to build anything on.

The time and money savings versus that little bit of good that a relationship can give you is an easy decision for me.

The social aspect of life is an important one.  People need to deal with people in various ways to get what they need.  Nourishment and shelter are necessary needs in life and society has made their acquisition an interactive feat.  Friendship is another element to human interaction, be it another human or a pet.  Friendship is a tricky element, again as people change throughout their lives.

Knowing people and hanging around them also carries the costs of time, money and well-being.  I don’t have a large circle of close friends these days, mostly due to my availability and personality conflicts.  People are always changing, myself included, and what everyone values is always at the root of friendship.

I’m sort of losing my train of thought… I think that I am a good person and I think that I can remain that way if I limit my social activity and my friends remain at a minimum.  The costs just seem to be too high to have a large number of close friends.  There are people that I know and would do nice things for, but keeping close friends can tend to be a chore.

The hermit life is appealing, controlling my interactions to the full hermit experience will be difficult, until I own my own place finally.

3229 Monday, December 26th - early morning

05:46… some gas and my bladder rudely woke me up and I felt the need to get up.  Now, I can't get back to sleep.

I'vr been thinking about my thoughts about how people want a bigger and better story for themselves and I've had another thought… People want to believe in the mysterious supernatural because they don't want anything to be their fault.

"It's just God's way" or "it must have been written in the stars'' or "it was just meant to be."  All of those types of lines are out there to explain the inexplicable to the simple minds.

Everything has a reason for happening, yes, or it has several reasons through countless layers of thoughts, actions, mistakes and/or conversations, which cannot immediately be grasped in that certain moment, trying to explain why it happened.

If you're one that craves more meaning in your life, you can obviously move to the mystic arts and try to find the one you can wrap your head around, but at the end of the day, this planet will continue on its orbit and the 8 billion people on it, will inhabit it until either they find a way to move on or they fight their way to a horrible destruction of the planet's ecosystem, ending all life on it in one big swoop.

People on this planet need proper leadership.  Each country, continent, territory or confederation has their own way, belief structure, currency and government, not to mention the factions of people who believe in those things or those who don't.  There is just too much going on and no real resolutions are going to be achieved.

There are some hopeless romantics who believe that their belief structure will pull us through as a whole or just pull the select few who do believe. 

06:25… oh well, time to get moving.

3184 Sunday, December 11th - morning

07:20… I waited to finish the level in Game Of Words that I was on before getting going and there was an extended bathroom stop needed in the early NCR too, just in case you were wondering about the start time.

The night was pretty good, except for the time being cut short again.  I was pretty comfortable and I was definitely dreaming.  Dreaming of getting chased, I’m not sure by who, but there was a chase going on.  I must have been moving around in bed, because the neck pillow I use for writing at night was on the floor this morning.

• Lung recruitment: 1.

• Shorts change: 2, purple & yellows.

• Made the bed: 3.

• Turn the computer on: 8.

• Bladder empty: 5, bladder & bowel.

• Bottle empty: 4.

• Wash up: 6.

• Weigh-in: 7.

• Turn off the Katchy: 19.

• Computer logged on: 10.

• Pills and vitamins: 9.

• Deodorant: 11.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: 12.

• Moisturiser: 13.

• Shoulder brace: 14.

• Shirt change: 15, maroon yoga.

• Fitbit battery: 16, 97%.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (07:35) 17.

• Head start: (07:37) 18.

07:57… the first timer has been completed with Sportsnet Central on.  

It’s hard not to notice that there are an unsettling amount of betting websites advertising on TV now, which has led my brain to consider how their only guard against being accused of the eventual financial downfall of many is having a clause in the programming about “responsible betting.”  The similarities to all the alcohol advertising is quite atrocious.  As much as responsible habits are being suggested, they certainly aren’t going to work.  Failures will happen, knowing first hand about not responsibly drinking, and it’s interesting to see where the line is, in terms of protection.  The government can’t stop irresponsible behaviour, they just force the absolute minimums for legal reasons.

Okay, I just needed to work that out in my head.  Alcohol, gambling and religion… they’re all designed to make you feel good, but they all don’t mean anything at the very end of it all.

• Email:

• Main account: I had one trade offer accepted and a couple pieces of spam.

• Gmail: a couple pieces in there that didn’t make any difference.

• Upper Deck: it was a 2 for 2 deal that I sent out and the free pack was 0 for 3 again.

• Facebook: three notifications, no birthdays and there was plenty to react to in the news feed.

• Twitter: nothing caught my eye there.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 21.1k.

• Floors: 68.

• Active Minutes: 90.

• Active Heart: 17 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 355 minutes.

• Weight: 170.2 pounds.

• Stress Management: 81.

• Readiness: 88.

• RHR: 65 bpm.

• Water: the second was poured in time.

• Budget: nothing again.  An Instacart order may be needed today.

• Brenda's Hockey Pool: yesterday wasn’t great, I’m still down 115.3-111.8.  My last two additions were made to possibly help my cause.

• Fantasy Hockey: I’m still down here too.  112-84, it’s not my week again.

• Tony’s World Cup Pool: I’m still in 2nd and I have been wrestling in my head about Morocco… Do I take them or not?  If I want to win 1st place, I’ll likely have to take them.

08:49… I thought about an Instacart order, but couldn’t commit to the idea.  Maybe I will later.

08:53… I’ve fallen behind the regular schedule, oh well.

• Bosu Ball: (09:16) the timer was done, 4.6k, 26 floors and 1 Zone minute.

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 30 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot

• Single leg stands without a pole: 5 stands on each leg

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• Calf stretches: 2 stretches each leg x the count of 45

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 10 laps

• March in place at the table, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Bat turns: 100 turns, 27oz bat

• Free weight wrist lifts off the table: 100 x 5 lbs lifts

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30 

• Squeeze the hand strengthener: 88 squeezes (09:47)

• Upper Body

• Pull the band on the sliding door, between 6pm and 11pm, lead with the back of the hand: 80 pulls red

• Curls on the Bosu Ball: 50 x 10 lbs. curls

• Rows bent over: 30 x 35 lbs. rows

• Scapular plane eccentric lowering: 10 x 10 lbs. (09:56)

• Lower Body

• Step ups on the step board, each foot leads for a song: 194 step ups, One Week of Danger by the Virgins and Weird Goodbyes by the National. 6.3k, 31 floors and 4 Zone minutes.

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns: 40 taps (10:09)

• Bosu Ball: (10:30) 8.7k, 31 floors and 4 Zone minutes… I did a good job of catching up to the desired step pace.

• Protein shake: a caramel shake is what popped up today.

10:31… and now, I’m done with the Sunday physio.

10:41… I seem to be having some thoughts about the relevance of anything.  Looking at life in that direction, it makes a lot of sense when the previous figures in human history created a fictional relevance.  Life just had to mean more than nothing, right?

The fictional creation created hope and relevance for the human race to continue to evolve.  We, as a people, wouldn't be where we are without that hope.  Where anyone finds their meaning to continue is purely up to them and those who can't find it will likely choose their way to finish.

That sense of wanting more is an interesting notion.  

Just seeing the definition doesn't feel enough in the grand scheme of things.  It seems to mean so much to everyone.

I suppose that if everyone in the human race was content with what they had, we'd still be so far back in the evolution of everything.

I, for one, am reasonably content, despite my physical shortcomings or losses.  Do I want my previous life back?  Sure, but that isn't going to happen.

I'm content with where I am at the moment.  Of course, there is going to be some return on the accident and I should be living a little bit better.

The biggest point that I like pointing out is that I can definitely see myself becoming a recluse.  I kind of understand the attraction to that lifestyle.  Just occupying my designated space and not causing any trouble.

Thanks to my brain injury, I'm not getting the same enjoyment from playing fantasy sports.  Watching sports doesn't need any extra meaning in my head, so the enjoyment of said sports sort of fades away.

That will likely turn some heads in my personal community.  It's becoming more of a chore than a pleasure.  Writing it down does make me feel better.

Nay was asking me what goals I had going forward and I have always been one to stay away from goal setting.  If you have goals, there is always a chance for disappointment.  I have always benefitted from enjoying the things that improve my life, as a whole.  I enjoy them more if I'm getting better at doing them.  There's that word again!  

11:48… I got up, found Seinfeld and got my 10k steps.

3111 Thursday, November 17th - early morning

05:28… while on the phone with Nay, I dropped a "live in the now" line on her.  I can't quite remember how I got there, but I did say something like that to her and after a deposit just now, that's the line I'm thinking about the most right now.

Nay is compelled to dwell in what she has lost recently.  Both her parents passed away not long ago and she had her longtime cat pass away too.  I think it's healthy to grieve, but to keep going back to them in conversation isn't healthy.

Personally, I don't emotionally miss anything.  I say to Bipasha that I miss her when she is not around, more because that usually makes her feel good, but I acknowledge that she is a great chef and we get along just swimmingly, but do I actually miss her when she's not here?  No, I make the most of what I've got at the moment.

Emotions are a funny beast.  People deal with them differently and that's one of the biggest difficulties in navigating through life with billions of other people.

Logically speaking, emotions don't always seem to make the most sense.  They can be fun to play with, but they can also be a huge weight holding us down.  In my desired "easy life," I understand that emotions can make things and decisions more difficult, which is why I can separate myself from them a little easier.  Is it the healthiest mentally?  I would debate on the side for it, because it hasn't hurt my mood and my interactions with others.

I've always tried to look at the big picture, trying to decide whether or not something is good for me and/or will make my life easier.  I look at things or activities and assess what the benefits of the good are versus the cost of the bad.  Clearly, that's what everyone should do for everything.  Further to that, assessing the cost of good versus the value of the good thing.

I think this will take me back into the relationship thought process.  The perfect relationship shouldn't take any work at all.  You and your partner should enjoy the same things and dislike the same things.  There are billions of people out there, there has to be someone who thinks like you.  If you're going to settle for less, what is the cost of that?  Emotions?  Time?  Money?  Is it worth it to settle?

You might have that noted instinctual need to procreate.  What's that worth to you?  Most who answer that question with "everything," don't look at the big picture, in my opinion.  The nature of procreation in life today seems to me to be just as destructive as it is productive.  There are more than a few mistakes made, thanks to this instinctual need and as good as bringing new life into this world can be, are the overall costs of our lives and everything we enjoy worth it?

I would have paid that cost, if I didn't get away with making those mistakes, because I wasn't the most careful, but I am sure glad that it didn't cost me in the biggest picture, although everything would have turned out differently and I might still have my arm.

No, no… I'm not going to dwell in what could have been, I'm going to live in the now and accept where I am.  I'll change what is needed, if I can and I'll just go on as such.

06:28… time to get up!

3069 Wednesday, November 2nd - early morning

05:21… what do you value the most?

Prior to the accident, I put a lot of value into my love of professional sports teams, like the Canucks and Chelsea, but they were no help to my recovery.

I want to go down the road of the value of cheering for those professional sports teams and what it got me.

It's fun to be associated with a team, as it acts like a relationship with someone.  There is something to be said about someone who sticks with a team through the bad years, as much as the good ones.  Sadly, with so many pro teams, in just about every sport, championships are much harder to win and the associated argument value of that is so much higher, among fellow supporters of the sport or the league.

In the grand scheme of it all, what's it really worth?  In recent years, I have placed less immediate value on those teams, because supporting them didn't save my life.  I still support them when I see what they're up to, but I'm not going to go as crazy as some, because I don't value it as much as I did before.

That can be said about a few things.  TV shows and movies don't carry the same value as they once did.  I don't feel like there is as much time in our existence to comb through everything new, especially like I once did.

Sticking to the old favorites and venturing into some of the newer additions to my favorite franchises keeps me in a good spot of satisfaction.

I'm also getting tired of the "overly critical" line of thought.  It has become fashionable to try and find the smallest flaws in everything.  Yes, there are critics of just about everything and they get paid for their critiques, but no one is going to stop and pay someone money to someone who made a critical observation, correctly, incorrectly or controversial.

Being ever so close to death has changed my perspective on a lot of things.  Entertainment being one, obviously, but just the overall sense of enjoyment is such a big deal.  Did you enjoy your life, at the end of it, that's a big deal.

05:55… that was a long way around to get there.  If you didn't enjoy your life, there's a pretty good chance that you caused the people around you to not enjoy your life as well.