2841 Friday, August 12th - afternoon

12:16… I would like to go on the record here and say that I have some fears about the nerves on the right side of my body.  The skin on the right side of my body, from my head to my shoulder, has always been a little more sensitive and tingly, which doesn't give me much hope for the regularity of my facial features, among the rest of the concerns.

It's been like that for a while already and it never jumps immediately to the top of the list when I talk to a doctor.  I'm glad I have it written down now.  I thought of it early on in the walk, stopped to take a note and now I have it down.

Another thing I was thinking about on the walk, Mark and I walk in silence most of the time, so that let's my head think constantly.

I got to thinking a bunch of things on the walk, a lot of them had to do with the failures of the human race.  I've highlighted my distaste for religion and rightly so.  

The biggest failure, in my opinion, is the basis of society.  

Society, the biggest separation between humans and animals, which is great, the human brain can do some wonderful things, if it takes its time and thinks it through. Unfortunately, the human race has come up with some silly things, which has more or less held us back from real greatness.

One of the greatest things about the combined societies on this very small planet is the belief that everyone should just get along, but that is also one its biggest shortcomings too.  The visible lines of separation between groups of humans, be it territory, religion and/or economic system, have done a poor job of getting along with each other.  Then throw in the other variances of these human groups (sexual orientation, gender identification and/or political party) and the lines are far less defined than ever before, making a lot more confusion and as a product of that, a lot more hate.  Unfortunately, the biggest sticking point to all of the separations and/or the grey areas is that there are enough of each one of these groups, including the blurred grey areas, to make them believe that they are absolutely correct and everyone else is wrong, filling this world with all sorts of hateful feelings towards one another.

Such things like technology are really glowing achievements for mankind, but sadly, all of these shortcomings have done a hell of a job ruining any positive momentum that these achievements could really do for our kind.

The real unfortunate thing is that until we can safely split our groups from each other, via going out into the deep reaches of space, leaving this doomed planet behind and then letting each belief fend for themselves in the vast, ruthless cosmos.  Otherwise, if we wanted peace, as a whole, there would have to be a lot of killing.

13:49… man, I seriously went on a tangent there, didn't I?

One of the other shortcomings I thought of was the idea of the term "love."  More in the biblical sense, which kind of goes back to my distaste for religion.  Romantic love, family love, brotherly love, and God's divine love are the four types of love in the Bible and only two have merit in the grand sense of everything.  Family love and brotherly love.  family love is an obvious one, where brotherly love, I believe it is the association of people by an outside source, like a team.

I, personally, am moving further and further away from the idea that romantic love is even real, much like that divine garbage.  Romantic love is just another attempt to separate humans from the other animals on the planet.  Unfortunately, much like religion, more than enough people believe in it, so therefore, it has to be right. 

I, for one, do not believe that to be true, much like the other beliefs that have held the human race back, but I'm not going to put together a parade and make everyone mad at me.  I don't need that shit.

No, this stems back to the pieces on my logical brain.  It can certainly make a judgement on whether or not I prefer the way someone looks or acts, but I'm not going to walk the social tightrope of "romantic love" all for the sake of the instinctual need to start a family.  I certainly haven't felt that instinctual need, especially not enough to make me settle for someone who is less than my perfect person.

Would I have settled if I made the mistake of not taking proper precautions?  There is a very likely chance of that.  Would any of those possibilities have turned out well?  That's highly unlikely.  Did I take a lot of proper precautions?  No, I can admit that I didn't.

I believe I have noted this before, but I have never been one to chase those lovely ladies.  Do I enjoy looking at them?  You bet, I do.  Would I know what to do with one if any of them chose me?  Unlikely, but I have come to the idea that I should just ask them, as hot and steamy as that conversation would be.

No, the social programming of romantic love, through all the major entertainment mediums, has tried to get me to relent from logic and move towards the nonsensical trappings.  It has tried so hard and nearly succeeded in trying to convince me that if I don't find anyone, I'd be lonely and loneliness is the worst.

It's so absolutely rare to see marriages that last for any great duration.  The ones that do make it are likely more unlikely to be still together for anything greater than the convenience of not having to go through all the legal processes.

14:36… I've made some really good time on the phone here, as most of this was written on my Pixel 6.

2833 Wednesday, August 10th - early morning

05:20… I don't want to get up and my brain won't stop working, so this is the closest thing I can do to help both parties in this argument.

I have been thinking about bringing that requisition for my bladder ultrasound to the clinic where I am getting the nerve ultrasound to see if I can book it there for whenever.

I've also been thinking about what day it is, I checked my watch after I made a deposit and it is indeed Wednesday.  Mark will be here this morning and there is a Shithotz game tonight.  I'm curious to know how much work that is going to be for my body.  It's already tired, how much more pushing can I do?  I'm sure I'll find out sooner rather than later.

05:29… that may have calmed down my brain.

05:44… there have been no positive results yet, but my brain doesn't want to quit.  It's trying to convince my body to get up and get started, but my body has a strong argument of just being tired.

I did think of an idea about what I could write about… the change from my "average life" to this "less than average life."

I can admit that I may have complained to myself on a number of occasions that my life had become too average.  In hindsight, it really hadn't become too average, since in more cases than not, a white guy in his thirties would average out with a family under construction, but I wasn't like that.  I had a good white collar job, I had my regular social activities and a good number of friends.  I might have thought that the combination of those things would have averaged out my life 

Then I have to turn around and become disabled, so my extensive need for a medical team isn't fantastic.  Don't get me wrong, the team is good, the need for them isn't great.  A Bipap machine, home care aides, the need for the Instacart service, my atm getting amputated… the list adds up quickly.

Be careful what you wish for I guess is the message here   I thought I could more eloquently describe that, but I guess not.

Oh yeah, the list of active friends in my life has dwindled some.  Not being able to have the same abilities for fun and excitement does seem to hurt my value to other people.  They likely don't want to sign up for the health care aide job that I might require, nor do I want to be a hindrance in their everyday lives.  What kind of friend would want that?

In a sad way, it feels like I have died, because a lot of the everyday life activities are still going on, while I get to sit and watch.  The world seems to go on its merry way without me and that is to be expected, I guess.

There is no part of me that wishes for this to be over, I'm in no way done yet.  There's no quit in me, there's an acceptance of where I am in the greater scheme and I will look to improve what I have when I can, if I can.

06:19… I have a feeling that I will be tired when I get up.  I'm trying to hold out until 06:30.  I'm trying my best to normalize the morning, but that's going to be tough

2820 Friday, August 5th - afternoon

12:25… one thing in this world that I have never quite understood is the feeling of hate. I mean, if you don't like something or someone, fair enough. You're well within yourself to dislike, but to me, it looks so inefficient to spend so much energy on the extreme feeling of hate. If history has taught us anything, it should be that hate is rarely appreciated. Historically, the people who have decided to turn their hatred into a cause, never have their cause celebrated in the history books. Those people are generally too caught up in their hatred to look back upon themselves and see where they have gone wrong.

There is not enough acceptance in this world and I think it is fair to say that has been a common theme throughout time on this planet. There are plenty of people out in the world, who may not look close enough like you, who believe in the same things you do or even like the same things that you do, but there's no good that can come out of hating any of those people. Out of the billions of people on the Earth, there is going to be more than your fair share of people, who don't agree with you. Accepting that will only make things easier for you, in the greater scheme of things. You don't have to like it, but just don't hate it.

Do I dislike things or people? Sure. I'm human and I have opinions, both positive and negative. What happens when I dislike something or someone? I try not to spend any time with them. If I'm required to spend some time with those that I dislike, I just quietly get through said time and not make the biggest deal out of it. There might be some people who do like those things or people, which is well within their being, and I don't need them to dislike me for disliking what they like. I'm not there to make you believe what I believe.

If you ask me whether or not I like something or someone, I can be honest without being overly passionate about it.

13:19… there's clearly a level of respect that should be maintained for everyone's well being.
"a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

Now "deep admiration" might be a tad excessive, but that definition of respect is the closest I'll come today, I think. I might disagree with someone's opinions or beliefs, but I can still respect the fact that they're human. I think that is a big point that is lost in this world and my level of respect can vary depending on the situation. Will the degree of respect for someone change, if they don't agree with me? Unlikely, but it will change if our disagreement causes them to hate or be consumed by rage and then deal with those feelings poorly, like most do in that situation. What will my low level of respect earn? There is a good chance that I will stay away from that person or thing.

I like to live a simple life, the easier life can be, the happier I can be. The simple problems, like hate, have simple solutions, like staying away. Of course, more complex problems could involve more complex solutions, but not always. It really works on a case by case basis.
What I've never been able to translate is the passion of hate turning into violence. I can see how the height of competition could lift the levels of passion up, I've watched enough hockey to see that. I have a great respect for the warriors that want to take space or ensure that the space is there for their teammates. Yes, that sort of violence is accepted and understood, mostly because when those guys are asked about it after the period or the game, it rarely comes down to one hating the other. There is usually a level of respect between the warriors, which is outwardly shown.

It's those bouts of rage and uncontrollable violence that I just can't translate. I have never felt that sort of nonsense and I feel that there is a good chance that those who do don't have the thinking capacity to let them work around it. I've also never been in a competition that involves that much passion, but that I could translate and understand.

13:59… I didn't add “hate” to my random thoughts page, but it came to me yesterday.

2817 Thursday, August 4th - afternoon

 12:32… I made it up to 10k before I mixed my smoothie and my brain is still churning away.  I’ve added a couple more points to the Random Thoughts, since I’m sort of in the mood.

12:46… I have moved back to the couch, if I'm going to write, I want to be comfy.

The points about inspiration and competitiveness are interesting ones.  Both are definitely instinctual and both have played major roles in my life.  I've drawn a lot of inspiration to be hard working from numerous places, both my parents have been hard workers, both having the need to keep busy, so that portion is likely genetic.  The sporting portion of me has always been somewhat competitive, within my abilities.  Quantified measures are there to be improved upon and that desire plays a big role in my Fitbit activities.  

13:06… I tried to convince myself that the desire there acts as logic, trying to associate logic in this truly instinctual side.  It's not logical to need to be better competitively.  Sure, it can afford you more to be better, but it's only logical when the need/want for more is there.  Do we absolutely need more of anything than anyone else?  When it comes to basic needs, sustenance requirements shouldn't be better than anyone else, but that thought may not be completely correct.  We all need sustenance and it's only logical to seek it out when it's needed, which can be driven back to instinctual.

I feel like I am spinning my wheels here.  Do we need to be competitive about sustenance?  No, we all need it.  We can share or decide to properly divvy it out, if there isn't enough.  The instinctual need to survive may create competition, if we're not all on the same team.

Everything has caveats.  

I'm really losing track here.

Inspiration is an instinctual draw from something or someone you believe in.  Yes, I drew my hard working beliefs from my parents, not that they ever accomplished anything great from it.  It kept them both out of trouble, but at the cost of their overall health.

I also drew some inspiration about not quitting from them too.  There were a number of athletes who shone bright when they worked through their difficulties and a lot of people looked up to them because of it.

Being trustworthy about following through with what you say you are going to do is another way to shine in many people's eyes.  If you can find someone you can believe in, there is a great chance that you will be inspired by them and reflect from them appropriately.

Being inspired by someone is definitely instinctual, as well as being competitive.  There is some logic in wanting to be the best, because there is a great chance that you will earn more of what you want if you are.  Do you "need" more of the desired prize?  That's debatable.

If you're competing with yourself to be better, the logic does get lost.  Do you "need" to be more healthy… Well, if you're starting from an unhealthy point, then yes.  There's logic there, but if you're starting from a healthier point, then maybe not.

There are definitely some grey areas out there in many places, but there is the benefit of a healthy debate.

The points of subjectivity and objectivity are interesting here.

13:54… Brad called to do his follow-up on the Bipasha visit on Monday and I remembered to cite the team effort from Vytalty and that was good enough for him.  I'm glad that went well.

14:13… I just received a notification that the Diclo cream is ready.  I’ll go get it and the 300mg Gabapentin pills tomorrow on the walk with Mark.  

2816 Thursday, August 4th - morning

08:04… I tried to sleep in, I had the headband over my eyes and that worked out okay.  When I came to and lifted the headband up, it was just past 07:30, so I considered that a success.  The body is surely feeling tired, so it might be another day of reaching the goal and just maintaining the Active Hours.  I did make a deposit around 04:00, the Fingerbot operated, but didn’t hit the button and my bowels made a case for expulsion, but it didn't work.

• Lung recruitment: 1.

• Shorts change: 3, the Purple Helmets shorts for today.

• Made the bed: 2.

• Turn the computer on: 8.

• Bladder empty: 6.

• Bottle empty: 4.

• Wash up: 5.

• Weigh-in: 7.

• Computer logged on: 10.

• Pills and vitamins: 9.

• Deodorant: 11.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: 12.

• Moisturiser: 13.

• Shoulder brace: 14.

• Shirt change: 15, the new kumquat shirt had to be tried.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (08:18) 16, I increased the resistance yesterday and it was still tough.

• Head start: (08:20) 17, let’s get this going. 

08:41… the first timer was done, while watching Sportsnet Central.  I took it easy, given my energy levels and the current readings are 2.5k, 4 floors and 11 Zone minutes.  A good start to the day.

• Email:

• Main account: both collector folders were open, but nothing important was in there.

• Gmail: a couple promos here.  I should get the new Diclo cream started, I saw the Gabapentin reminder and I’ll need more cream soon.

• Shoppers Drug Mart: I started the refill.

• Upper Deck: I sent a big deal to a seemingly random user and he accepted it last night.  The free pack was collected.

• Facebook: Mom messaged me as I finished with the cards.  I filled her in on the game last night, which wasn’t as exciting as I was hoping.  No birthdays were listed, the headline memory was unsurprisingly a walk from a year ago and there were a few reactions given in the news feed.

• Twitter: a selfie from Crystal and a couple other tweets caught my eye.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 24.8k, I was tempted to get to 25k last night, but I decided against it.

• Floors: 50.

• Active Minutes: 147.

• Active Heart: 29 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 377 minutes, it did register!

• Weight: 171.2 pounds.

• Stress Management: 67.

• RHR: 68 bpm, I finished yesterday at 67 bpm.

• Water: I have already poured my second.

• Google Calendar: nothing on today.

• Budget: the Jameson’s wing purchase, which I slid under Entertainment.  The food didn’t need to take the extra hit.

• Questrade: all three saw small recoveries, but all are still in the red.

• Netcoins: this fell a couple more dollars, but what are you going to do?

• Spotify Daily Mixes: 15 tracks to sample from Daily Mix 2.

09:20… that wasn’t too bad.  My bowels are hinting that they’re finally ready.  Some Restoralax may be needed today.

09:35… a small success.  Some movement was had and now I’ll do the lower body, hoping for more floors.

• Bosu Ball: (09:59)  5.1k, 6 floors and 11 Zone minutes.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (10:05)

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 20 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot.

• Single leg stands without a pole: 5 stands on each leg

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 10 laps

• March in place at the table, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Free weight wrist lifts off the table: 40 x 5lbs lifts

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30

• Squeeze the hand strengthener: 124 squeezes (10:25)

• Lower Body

• Right leg weight step ups on step board: 50 step ups

• Step up and down with step board no aids: 20 step overs

• Single step, forwards and backwards, right foot on the Bosu Ball with an aid: 30 steps, back and forth combos

• Reverse S Walk with target, focus on a small target: 20 laps

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns outside: 40 taps

• Chair squats with elastic: 50 squats

• Single leg extended back lunges: 30 lunges

• Lateral leg lunges: 20 lunges (10:51)

• Bosu Ball: (11:06) I gave Dad a call and jumped on the ball, the call was 12 minutes and when it ended, I stayed on to get to 8k.  23 floors and 11 Zone minutes was the reading when I wrote this.

• Protein shake: a chocolate shake for my victorious physio session.

11:08…everything is done.

Dad didn’t ask about the ballgame, so he doesn’t want to know.  I’m okay with that.

11:23… I added the idea of the heart and what it can do to the Random Thoughts and I might have a look at it now.

The heart is a crazy idea in the broad sense.  I would consider it to be a certain defining characteristic for anyone, which I have noticed that it has nothing to do with logic, it's an animal instinct which can wreak havoc on any situation.

I would consider my heart's desire for Des as definitely an instinct, but my logical brain, not to mention her defined and lack of desire for me, suggest otherwise.  My heart thinks she's gorgeous, which my logical brain agrees with. She's got an attractive character, which again my logical brain agrees with, but my logical brain offers some important counterpoints.  I won't list them, but let's just say I'd have to settle for them if my heart got its way.

Somehow, the heart and the logical brain have to agree on everything to make everything work.  I would offer my allegiance to the Canucks or Chelsea or the Blue Jays, at a lesser degree, makes sense to both parties.  My hero growing up was Trevor Linden and between my heart and my logical brain, they agreed that his leadership was an admirable trait to really learn about and possibly reflect.  He was a good player, not great, but he was a great character and his leadership ended up leading him to being president of the players association.  That all made sense to both sides and I hope I reflected that in what I did or am currently doing.

Des is the first girl in a long time to get my instinctual heartstrings going.  The stereotypical craziness that a body goes through when someone is close to someone who pulls those strings is tough to be better than.  I felt that craziness last night, but my injured logical brain was nowhere near fast enough to process those thoughts and feelings, so I just tried to make sure that I didn't fall over and really make a fool of myself.

The heart can do a lot of good and bad with other people it would seem.  The good is highlighted by all the brilliant art it can inspire, while it can inspire some crazy and horrible behavior, which of course, is a sliding scale of subjectivity.  That sliding scale is another realm of craziness, but to the supposed objectivity of the law, it's fairly straightforward.

11:59… I think I got the important bits down.  I'm not sure how much more detail I can give it, without getting down to the nitty gritty.

2811 Tuesday, August 2nd - afternoon

12:02… I think I came up with another random thought last night, but I couldn't write it down for whatever reason.

I did come up with one the other day, my distaste for the saying that "it's all meant to be." As I wrote that down I remembered the other one… I don't hate anymore. It's debatable if I ever did, but the "meant to be" was here first.

I'm not sure how long this will be in the end, but I thought I would explore this idea a little bit.
The thought that life, as we know it, is predetermined by a glorious overseeing presence and they have a plan for us. That's a comforting idea, as if we don't have any control over anything. But the issue with that, in most religious circles, is that what you do in your life can affect your place in the afterlife.

Of course, my logical brain is rejecting those ideas to start with, but that's not the main focus here, although it certainly helps my eventual argument.

There is a certain comfort that comes from the idea that something was meant to be. The idea that something was predetermined, rather than the result of a string of events, is way easier to conceive.

It's so much easier to say "it was meant to be" rather than try to decrypt the series of events that got you to where you are. I understand the difference between the two and can see why a lot of people say it. It just kind of irks me, when I read/hear that and my brain immediately goes to how they meant it. I've got to learn to let that go, until otherwise provoked.

See? This is why this writing helps!

12:27… to the topic of hate.

It's quite interesting when I try to look back at all the times I may have said that word. Hate and anger are two words that I rarely use and for good reason. I look at society nowadays and see a lot of rage out there, which could be the better word for me to use as the descriptor.
I generally use the term hate when I dislike something the most by comparison. My hate for the Calgary Flames mostly means I dislike them the most and I want nothing good to happen to them. I'm not wishing for terrible things to happen to them, but I wouldn't be too disappointed if something terrible was to happen.

I most recently used the term angry when I confronted Dad via email with his picking on my weight. It bothered me to the point that I may have lost some sleep thinking about it. That was how I could use that in a constructive fashion.

Now, rage… let's go to the Google definition… "violent, uncontrollable anger." Yeah, that looks about right. That is one thing I cannot remember ever suffering from. I'm sure there could be a few words that can describe different levels between anger and rage and I'm confident that I've stayed away from the bulk of words to describe them.

I have been annoyed, which I would consider as less than anger. "A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility." For argument's sake, there's the definition of anger. A strong feeling of annoyance, okay the key word being strong. I stand beside that last descriptive comment by me, my annoyance has rarely been strong enough to consider as anger.

12:58… it really saddens me to think that there is way too much hate, anger and rage in this world we live in, which leads to other more distressing emotions and feelings. My logical brain can see it all, but without a way to help, it resigns itself to accepting what it can’t change. The human race has done such a terrible job in preventing that madness.

The animal instincts that have led to war, not to mention the levels of superiority throughout the human race, have really done a disservice to our survival. The need to move everything further and improve our living conditions have hit an unlimited amount of speed bumps, all related to these horrible ideas.

The levels of power that some of these groups have assumed are absolutely ridiculous. I’m not in any place to try and fix these things here, because I can’t type the way I used to. It would just take way too long and there wouldn’t be any power in writing these ideas out.

The main point that I can think of is to just slow down and ask the right questions. If people get angry from just answering questions, then there is no real hope for this race. If these same people can’t accept that there are individuals, if not groups, that are different from them, then there is a vacuum for said hope and there are now less than zero units of hope.

Everyone seems to have a belief structure to stand on, when they determine that they are right and anyone who disagrees is evil or really, really bad. The art of compromise has really been lost on a lot of these groups, especially when it comes to the methods of capitalism. There are definite downsides to the other social systems that this world has seen, but they seem to get lost to the glossy shine of the perceived good things.

The social systems are just the tip of the iceberg, which goes deep into the oceans of general survival and other luxuries. The need for energy to help power said luxuries has hampered the thinking of many for numerous reasons. If the human race is going to survive, there has to be better compromise between these groups.

In my opinion, there isn’t enough money being spent on the studies to advance the technologies to help power our luxuries in a manner that won’t end up being the reason for our extinction.

How did I get into productive uses of feelings?

13:42… Other than my loyalty to certain professional sports teams, I certainly don't have any causes of the everyday hate that we've become accustomed to in this world. I can understand the need for religion and I can understand the animal desire for people of the same gender. The need to identify differently is definitely a thing and as different from the issues that this race has seen before, the biology and chemistry of the human brain still isn't completely understood and with the billions of people on this planet, it couldn't possibly come as a surprise. It has likely existed for countless years, but it's only being identified now.

Acceptance needs to happen more, especially when it comes to the human brain. Logic also needs to be taken into consideration more. Acceptance and logic might need to make some compromises as well, especially when it comes to that biology and chemistry.

It's not out of the question, but it'll be difficult. Everything is difficult, especially the solutions to these seemingly obvious problems.

14:15… I forgot to mix my smoothie and I was feeling a wee bit hungry, so I had a Clif bar and the banana that I would have had with the smoothie.