05:20… I don't want to get up and my brain won't stop working, so this is the closest thing I can do to help both parties in this argument.
I have been thinking about bringing that requisition for my bladder ultrasound to the clinic where I am getting the nerve ultrasound to see if I can book it there for whenever.
I've also been thinking about what day it is, I checked my watch after I made a deposit and it is indeed Wednesday. Mark will be here this morning and there is a Shithotz game tonight. I'm curious to know how much work that is going to be for my body. It's already tired, how much more pushing can I do? I'm sure I'll find out sooner rather than later.
05:29… that may have calmed down my brain.
05:44… there have been no positive results yet, but my brain doesn't want to quit. It's trying to convince my body to get up and get started, but my body has a strong argument of just being tired.
I did think of an idea about what I could write about… the change from my "average life" to this "less than average life."
I can admit that I may have complained to myself on a number of occasions that my life had become too average. In hindsight, it really hadn't become too average, since in more cases than not, a white guy in his thirties would average out with a family under construction, but I wasn't like that. I had a good white collar job, I had my regular social activities and a good number of friends. I might have thought that the combination of those things would have averaged out my life
Then I have to turn around and become disabled, so my extensive need for a medical team isn't fantastic. Don't get me wrong, the team is good, the need for them isn't great. A Bipap machine, home care aides, the need for the Instacart service, my atm getting amputated… the list adds up quickly.
Be careful what you wish for I guess is the message here I thought I could more eloquently describe that, but I guess not.
Oh yeah, the list of active friends in my life has dwindled some. Not being able to have the same abilities for fun and excitement does seem to hurt my value to other people. They likely don't want to sign up for the health care aide job that I might require, nor do I want to be a hindrance in their everyday lives. What kind of friend would want that?
In a sad way, it feels like I have died, because a lot of the everyday life activities are still going on, while I get to sit and watch. The world seems to go on its merry way without me and that is to be expected, I guess.
There is no part of me that wishes for this to be over, I'm in no way done yet. There's no quit in me, there's an acceptance of where I am in the greater scheme and I will look to improve what I have when I can, if I can.
06:19… I have a feeling that I will be tired when I get up. I'm trying to hold out until 06:30. I'm trying my best to normalize the morning, but that's going to be tough
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