2975 Saturday, October 1st - early morning

04:45… I made a deposit 15 minutes ago and my mind has been going, much to the dismay of my body.

I caught myself thinking of reasons not to start a family and not wanting more people to suffer through the horrible society that we have going on at the moment is a big one.

I don't need my name or likeness to live on for future generations if all they're going to do is suffer through life.  

The planet is dying at a much faster rate than any other generation has seen, why make it worse?  Having more kids isn't necessarily going to make anything better.

I can understand the animal portion of the human psyche wanting to multiply around the world and that same animal portion doesn't really care about the future harm that it will do by multiplying, it just needs to multiply.

The way the human race has their governments and their beliefs has some dire consequences coming and it's silly to think otherwise.  The science of global warming is obviously winning and the people that understand that are ridiculously outnumbered by those who don't believe or care.  If I have learned anything, it's that the human race, after they have finished their formative learning years, however many they endure, they stop learning as a collective.

There's a part of me that is a little surprised by the lack of panic in society, but the "ignorance is bliss" approach to living is winning.  The "there's still a chance" group of optimists are doing their best to relieve the masses, but the masses don't want to learn what they can do to help out.

Society's insecurity and overall suspicion of anything and everything is likely the biggest hurdle anyone that wants to save the planet has to deal with.  If someone or some group has a good idea, the conspiracy theorists will have their hand at making sure a good portion of society is unsure if the idea is a positive one.  There are a lot of minds out there that shouldn't be thinking at all.

05:14… society is going to destroy society.  Full stop.

2941 Wednesday, September 21st - early morning

05:38… "the stress-free lifestyle" has been my baseline for the longest time.  In the hospital, I had a good number of nurses say how surprised they were at how old I actually was.  Who wants stress anyway?

Being a single man, it allows me a lot of freedom.  The cost of being single is far less than otherwise.  An efficient life is a stress-free life, which has likely been my mantra for the longest time and thinking about that now, I seem to remember that.

I remember way back when I was getting started in life, there was the issue of paying taxes.  When I had to pay income tax after making my first filing, I wasn't terribly happy with that situation.  Then I remember Randy G., an old friend of my uncle Dale, he showed me a line on the income tax form, back when I started at Aetna, where I could agree to have a certain amount taken off each cheque and then I would be guaranteed to get some money back when I filled my taxes.  I would never see that money, so I wouldn't miss it, and I had always put down $40 in that line.

I did that for every job I had in Canada and if I was to get money back, I felt that I didn't have to worry about my taxes and I was right.  Of course, Randy didn't recommend that course of action, it was something that I had come up with.  For an extra $40 a cheque, I didn't have to worry or stress.  The government didn't come knocking to give me money.

I would also overpay my bills, eliminating the stresses of owing money, because I am underpaying.  If I could afford it, why not?  It might help one day, if I was struggling for money.

I was fortunate to be a part of the white collar workforce for so long too.  It wasn't taxing physically and the mental stresses could be managed.  I didn't need to be overly successful, that line of work helped me to live comfortably and efficiently.  I had what I needed and I didn't want anymore than that.

I'm thinking about becoming a minimalist.  In some ways, I already am, but if I can be more efficient with it, why am I not doing that right now?  It's certainly going to be an idea moving forward, but it will face some difficulties, as people seem to enjoy giving me stuff.  I don't need decorations, as nice as some of them may be.

And then Christmas!  Besides being the religious holiday, which as you may have gathered, I could do without, the pseudo-commercial holiday is also a sore spot.  It's a designer stress-filled holiday about gift giving and receiving.  I can safely say that I don't need it, I can be nice to everyone all the time, I don't need to feel extra special about it.  If I need anything, I'll just go get it.

There's some early morning thoughts, as I lie here in bed.

06:28… it's time to get up and get going!

2904 Saturday, September 3rd - afternoon

15:13… I had an interesting thought today…

"People love stories, they want to be in a good story and they’ll make up their own story for just about anything or anyone."

It explains a ton about pop culture, in general, not to mention the need for news stories, bedtime stories, rumours and the need to recycle memories.

Everyone's life is its own story, one that only a select few get to be a part of or experience, unless that person becomes famous, to which more than a few can experience.  Everyone lives to write their own story and they can associate what they believe to be a part of their own personal story, making every decision or adapting to every other decision made around them, which keeps the possibilities seemingly limitless.

There are some decisions that are stemmed from previous decisions, which are somewhat predictable, but there are the small little details that can be missed that can affect some of the greatest outcomes.

It's really amazing how some stories have been adopted to fill in the unknown blanks in human history.  The number of years before man really came to grips with its own existence, plus all of the times that we may guess what might have happened at a time when we weren't around or making up some stories to appease our children's curiosity, teach them important life lessons or inspire their creativity.  Stories are a handy tool, when used responsibly.

There are some general criticisms of stories in human history, as you may have gathered in some of my previous writings.  I just wanted to elaborate more on that thought, but it felt like there was going to be more.

2841 Friday, August 12th - afternoon

12:16… I would like to go on the record here and say that I have some fears about the nerves on the right side of my body.  The skin on the right side of my body, from my head to my shoulder, has always been a little more sensitive and tingly, which doesn't give me much hope for the regularity of my facial features, among the rest of the concerns.

It's been like that for a while already and it never jumps immediately to the top of the list when I talk to a doctor.  I'm glad I have it written down now.  I thought of it early on in the walk, stopped to take a note and now I have it down.

Another thing I was thinking about on the walk, Mark and I walk in silence most of the time, so that let's my head think constantly.

I got to thinking a bunch of things on the walk, a lot of them had to do with the failures of the human race.  I've highlighted my distaste for religion and rightly so.  

The biggest failure, in my opinion, is the basis of society.  

Society, the biggest separation between humans and animals, which is great, the human brain can do some wonderful things, if it takes its time and thinks it through. Unfortunately, the human race has come up with some silly things, which has more or less held us back from real greatness.

One of the greatest things about the combined societies on this very small planet is the belief that everyone should just get along, but that is also one its biggest shortcomings too.  The visible lines of separation between groups of humans, be it territory, religion and/or economic system, have done a poor job of getting along with each other.  Then throw in the other variances of these human groups (sexual orientation, gender identification and/or political party) and the lines are far less defined than ever before, making a lot more confusion and as a product of that, a lot more hate.  Unfortunately, the biggest sticking point to all of the separations and/or the grey areas is that there are enough of each one of these groups, including the blurred grey areas, to make them believe that they are absolutely correct and everyone else is wrong, filling this world with all sorts of hateful feelings towards one another.

Such things like technology are really glowing achievements for mankind, but sadly, all of these shortcomings have done a hell of a job ruining any positive momentum that these achievements could really do for our kind.

The real unfortunate thing is that until we can safely split our groups from each other, via going out into the deep reaches of space, leaving this doomed planet behind and then letting each belief fend for themselves in the vast, ruthless cosmos.  Otherwise, if we wanted peace, as a whole, there would have to be a lot of killing.

13:49… man, I seriously went on a tangent there, didn't I?

One of the other shortcomings I thought of was the idea of the term "love."  More in the biblical sense, which kind of goes back to my distaste for religion.  Romantic love, family love, brotherly love, and God's divine love are the four types of love in the Bible and only two have merit in the grand sense of everything.  Family love and brotherly love.  family love is an obvious one, where brotherly love, I believe it is the association of people by an outside source, like a team.

I, personally, am moving further and further away from the idea that romantic love is even real, much like that divine garbage.  Romantic love is just another attempt to separate humans from the other animals on the planet.  Unfortunately, much like religion, more than enough people believe in it, so therefore, it has to be right. 

I, for one, do not believe that to be true, much like the other beliefs that have held the human race back, but I'm not going to put together a parade and make everyone mad at me.  I don't need that shit.

No, this stems back to the pieces on my logical brain.  It can certainly make a judgement on whether or not I prefer the way someone looks or acts, but I'm not going to walk the social tightrope of "romantic love" all for the sake of the instinctual need to start a family.  I certainly haven't felt that instinctual need, especially not enough to make me settle for someone who is less than my perfect person.

Would I have settled if I made the mistake of not taking proper precautions?  There is a very likely chance of that.  Would any of those possibilities have turned out well?  That's highly unlikely.  Did I take a lot of proper precautions?  No, I can admit that I didn't.

I believe I have noted this before, but I have never been one to chase those lovely ladies.  Do I enjoy looking at them?  You bet, I do.  Would I know what to do with one if any of them chose me?  Unlikely, but I have come to the idea that I should just ask them, as hot and steamy as that conversation would be.

No, the social programming of romantic love, through all the major entertainment mediums, has tried to get me to relent from logic and move towards the nonsensical trappings.  It has tried so hard and nearly succeeded in trying to convince me that if I don't find anyone, I'd be lonely and loneliness is the worst.

It's so absolutely rare to see marriages that last for any great duration.  The ones that do make it are likely more unlikely to be still together for anything greater than the convenience of not having to go through all the legal processes.

14:36… I've made some really good time on the phone here, as most of this was written on my Pixel 6.

2833 Wednesday, August 10th - early morning

05:20… I don't want to get up and my brain won't stop working, so this is the closest thing I can do to help both parties in this argument.

I have been thinking about bringing that requisition for my bladder ultrasound to the clinic where I am getting the nerve ultrasound to see if I can book it there for whenever.

I've also been thinking about what day it is, I checked my watch after I made a deposit and it is indeed Wednesday.  Mark will be here this morning and there is a Shithotz game tonight.  I'm curious to know how much work that is going to be for my body.  It's already tired, how much more pushing can I do?  I'm sure I'll find out sooner rather than later.

05:29… that may have calmed down my brain.

05:44… there have been no positive results yet, but my brain doesn't want to quit.  It's trying to convince my body to get up and get started, but my body has a strong argument of just being tired.

I did think of an idea about what I could write about… the change from my "average life" to this "less than average life."

I can admit that I may have complained to myself on a number of occasions that my life had become too average.  In hindsight, it really hadn't become too average, since in more cases than not, a white guy in his thirties would average out with a family under construction, but I wasn't like that.  I had a good white collar job, I had my regular social activities and a good number of friends.  I might have thought that the combination of those things would have averaged out my life 

Then I have to turn around and become disabled, so my extensive need for a medical team isn't fantastic.  Don't get me wrong, the team is good, the need for them isn't great.  A Bipap machine, home care aides, the need for the Instacart service, my atm getting amputated… the list adds up quickly.

Be careful what you wish for I guess is the message here   I thought I could more eloquently describe that, but I guess not.

Oh yeah, the list of active friends in my life has dwindled some.  Not being able to have the same abilities for fun and excitement does seem to hurt my value to other people.  They likely don't want to sign up for the health care aide job that I might require, nor do I want to be a hindrance in their everyday lives.  What kind of friend would want that?

In a sad way, it feels like I have died, because a lot of the everyday life activities are still going on, while I get to sit and watch.  The world seems to go on its merry way without me and that is to be expected, I guess.

There is no part of me that wishes for this to be over, I'm in no way done yet.  There's no quit in me, there's an acceptance of where I am in the greater scheme and I will look to improve what I have when I can, if I can.

06:19… I have a feeling that I will be tired when I get up.  I'm trying to hold out until 06:30.  I'm trying my best to normalize the morning, but that's going to be tough

2820 Friday, August 5th - afternoon

12:25… one thing in this world that I have never quite understood is the feeling of hate. I mean, if you don't like something or someone, fair enough. You're well within yourself to dislike, but to me, it looks so inefficient to spend so much energy on the extreme feeling of hate. If history has taught us anything, it should be that hate is rarely appreciated. Historically, the people who have decided to turn their hatred into a cause, never have their cause celebrated in the history books. Those people are generally too caught up in their hatred to look back upon themselves and see where they have gone wrong.

There is not enough acceptance in this world and I think it is fair to say that has been a common theme throughout time on this planet. There are plenty of people out in the world, who may not look close enough like you, who believe in the same things you do or even like the same things that you do, but there's no good that can come out of hating any of those people. Out of the billions of people on the Earth, there is going to be more than your fair share of people, who don't agree with you. Accepting that will only make things easier for you, in the greater scheme of things. You don't have to like it, but just don't hate it.

Do I dislike things or people? Sure. I'm human and I have opinions, both positive and negative. What happens when I dislike something or someone? I try not to spend any time with them. If I'm required to spend some time with those that I dislike, I just quietly get through said time and not make the biggest deal out of it. There might be some people who do like those things or people, which is well within their being, and I don't need them to dislike me for disliking what they like. I'm not there to make you believe what I believe.

If you ask me whether or not I like something or someone, I can be honest without being overly passionate about it.

13:19… there's clearly a level of respect that should be maintained for everyone's well being.
"a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

Now "deep admiration" might be a tad excessive, but that definition of respect is the closest I'll come today, I think. I might disagree with someone's opinions or beliefs, but I can still respect the fact that they're human. I think that is a big point that is lost in this world and my level of respect can vary depending on the situation. Will the degree of respect for someone change, if they don't agree with me? Unlikely, but it will change if our disagreement causes them to hate or be consumed by rage and then deal with those feelings poorly, like most do in that situation. What will my low level of respect earn? There is a good chance that I will stay away from that person or thing.

I like to live a simple life, the easier life can be, the happier I can be. The simple problems, like hate, have simple solutions, like staying away. Of course, more complex problems could involve more complex solutions, but not always. It really works on a case by case basis.
What I've never been able to translate is the passion of hate turning into violence. I can see how the height of competition could lift the levels of passion up, I've watched enough hockey to see that. I have a great respect for the warriors that want to take space or ensure that the space is there for their teammates. Yes, that sort of violence is accepted and understood, mostly because when those guys are asked about it after the period or the game, it rarely comes down to one hating the other. There is usually a level of respect between the warriors, which is outwardly shown.

It's those bouts of rage and uncontrollable violence that I just can't translate. I have never felt that sort of nonsense and I feel that there is a good chance that those who do don't have the thinking capacity to let them work around it. I've also never been in a competition that involves that much passion, but that I could translate and understand.

13:59… I didn't add “hate” to my random thoughts page, but it came to me yesterday.

2817 Thursday, August 4th - afternoon

 12:32… I made it up to 10k before I mixed my smoothie and my brain is still churning away.  I’ve added a couple more points to the Random Thoughts, since I’m sort of in the mood.

12:46… I have moved back to the couch, if I'm going to write, I want to be comfy.

The points about inspiration and competitiveness are interesting ones.  Both are definitely instinctual and both have played major roles in my life.  I've drawn a lot of inspiration to be hard working from numerous places, both my parents have been hard workers, both having the need to keep busy, so that portion is likely genetic.  The sporting portion of me has always been somewhat competitive, within my abilities.  Quantified measures are there to be improved upon and that desire plays a big role in my Fitbit activities.  

13:06… I tried to convince myself that the desire there acts as logic, trying to associate logic in this truly instinctual side.  It's not logical to need to be better competitively.  Sure, it can afford you more to be better, but it's only logical when the need/want for more is there.  Do we absolutely need more of anything than anyone else?  When it comes to basic needs, sustenance requirements shouldn't be better than anyone else, but that thought may not be completely correct.  We all need sustenance and it's only logical to seek it out when it's needed, which can be driven back to instinctual.

I feel like I am spinning my wheels here.  Do we need to be competitive about sustenance?  No, we all need it.  We can share or decide to properly divvy it out, if there isn't enough.  The instinctual need to survive may create competition, if we're not all on the same team.

Everything has caveats.  

I'm really losing track here.

Inspiration is an instinctual draw from something or someone you believe in.  Yes, I drew my hard working beliefs from my parents, not that they ever accomplished anything great from it.  It kept them both out of trouble, but at the cost of their overall health.

I also drew some inspiration about not quitting from them too.  There were a number of athletes who shone bright when they worked through their difficulties and a lot of people looked up to them because of it.

Being trustworthy about following through with what you say you are going to do is another way to shine in many people's eyes.  If you can find someone you can believe in, there is a great chance that you will be inspired by them and reflect from them appropriately.

Being inspired by someone is definitely instinctual, as well as being competitive.  There is some logic in wanting to be the best, because there is a great chance that you will earn more of what you want if you are.  Do you "need" more of the desired prize?  That's debatable.

If you're competing with yourself to be better, the logic does get lost.  Do you "need" to be more healthy… Well, if you're starting from an unhealthy point, then yes.  There's logic there, but if you're starting from a healthier point, then maybe not.

There are definitely some grey areas out there in many places, but there is the benefit of a healthy debate.

The points of subjectivity and objectivity are interesting here.

13:54… Brad called to do his follow-up on the Bipasha visit on Monday and I remembered to cite the team effort from Vytalty and that was good enough for him.  I'm glad that went well.

14:13… I just received a notification that the Diclo cream is ready.  I’ll go get it and the 300mg Gabapentin pills tomorrow on the walk with Mark.