3064 Monday, October 31st - early morning

05:53… as much as religion has taught the world some good bits, like being kind to everyone, Christianity has really missed the mark or has led moat people down a poor path that hasn't kept up with the current time.

The biggest issue that I have with "scripts" like the Bible is that it was written by whomever at a time where very little had been established.  The interpretations of it throughout time have been done by "holy" people.  Unfortunately, interpretations are always 100% subjective and they can generally lean towards what the person or group wants or needs.

That, on that very root, is a scam.  It has been too widely integrated into the fibres of every society and that's where the human race will fail, as a whole.  The arguments of right and wrong will eventually develop into wars and the worst case scenario for all will go down and it doesn't feel too far away.  

06:13… just a thought that I needed to write down.

06:20… now all the thoughts are coming… I must be awake now.

The most evident element to this scam is how everyone is taught to follow and a select few are taught to lead.  I mean, how easy is that?

Be a good person, give us money to help us "guide" you better and pay us even larger sums of money to have us perform ceremonies that will help us "guide" you better as well.

The only thing going in religion's favor is just how established it is.  It has sunken into the fibres of a lot of people, so much so that they'll never leave.

If anything or anyone tried to duplicate it for their benefit, they would be called out as a fraud and face the laws in place that protects those established scams.

06:34… oh well, time to get up!

 

2981 Monday, October 3rd - early morning

03:43… looking back at my memories, trying to piece them together.  I seem to think that one of the few times I have been mad in my life was something that Nay did to me.  I seem to think that I was hanging around in England because of her.  I think I tried to push her to get together and she wasn't having any of that, but there was one night, I went up to Ipswich and she may have decided to go out with someone else, I got mad at her, slammed the door behind me and then went back to Colchester/Wormingford for the night and on that trek home, I decided that I would go back to Canada.

It might have been something close to that event, which changed my life's course.  I think that was the last time that I had been mad, until that time in February with Dad.  Wow.

03:56… I need that written down.

04:16… thinking about it more, Nay could have made my affinity towards older women and likely could explain how my philosophy on relationships came about.  

I seem to recall that when Nay and I hung out, it was just easy.  There was nothing overly difficult about it and after I tried to push it forward, she wasn't having any of that and I seem to think she chose someone else and that's what really pissed me off.

I'm going to share this with her and see how close my broken brain came down to it.  That would have been in 2005 and it was 17 years between times I literally got mad.

04:26… clearly, I'm good with her now.  Her apologizing for not sleeping with me makes way more sense now.

2975 Saturday, October 1st - early morning

04:45… I made a deposit 15 minutes ago and my mind has been going, much to the dismay of my body.

I caught myself thinking of reasons not to start a family and not wanting more people to suffer through the horrible society that we have going on at the moment is a big one.

I don't need my name or likeness to live on for future generations if all they're going to do is suffer through life.  

The planet is dying at a much faster rate than any other generation has seen, why make it worse?  Having more kids isn't necessarily going to make anything better.

I can understand the animal portion of the human psyche wanting to multiply around the world and that same animal portion doesn't really care about the future harm that it will do by multiplying, it just needs to multiply.

The way the human race has their governments and their beliefs has some dire consequences coming and it's silly to think otherwise.  The science of global warming is obviously winning and the people that understand that are ridiculously outnumbered by those who don't believe or care.  If I have learned anything, it's that the human race, after they have finished their formative learning years, however many they endure, they stop learning as a collective.

There's a part of me that is a little surprised by the lack of panic in society, but the "ignorance is bliss" approach to living is winning.  The "there's still a chance" group of optimists are doing their best to relieve the masses, but the masses don't want to learn what they can do to help out.

Society's insecurity and overall suspicion of anything and everything is likely the biggest hurdle anyone that wants to save the planet has to deal with.  If someone or some group has a good idea, the conspiracy theorists will have their hand at making sure a good portion of society is unsure if the idea is a positive one.  There are a lot of minds out there that shouldn't be thinking at all.

05:14… society is going to destroy society.  Full stop.

2941 Wednesday, September 21st - early morning

05:38… "the stress-free lifestyle" has been my baseline for the longest time.  In the hospital, I had a good number of nurses say how surprised they were at how old I actually was.  Who wants stress anyway?

Being a single man, it allows me a lot of freedom.  The cost of being single is far less than otherwise.  An efficient life is a stress-free life, which has likely been my mantra for the longest time and thinking about that now, I seem to remember that.

I remember way back when I was getting started in life, there was the issue of paying taxes.  When I had to pay income tax after making my first filing, I wasn't terribly happy with that situation.  Then I remember Randy G., an old friend of my uncle Dale, he showed me a line on the income tax form, back when I started at Aetna, where I could agree to have a certain amount taken off each cheque and then I would be guaranteed to get some money back when I filled my taxes.  I would never see that money, so I wouldn't miss it, and I had always put down $40 in that line.

I did that for every job I had in Canada and if I was to get money back, I felt that I didn't have to worry about my taxes and I was right.  Of course, Randy didn't recommend that course of action, it was something that I had come up with.  For an extra $40 a cheque, I didn't have to worry or stress.  The government didn't come knocking to give me money.

I would also overpay my bills, eliminating the stresses of owing money, because I am underpaying.  If I could afford it, why not?  It might help one day, if I was struggling for money.

I was fortunate to be a part of the white collar workforce for so long too.  It wasn't taxing physically and the mental stresses could be managed.  I didn't need to be overly successful, that line of work helped me to live comfortably and efficiently.  I had what I needed and I didn't want anymore than that.

I'm thinking about becoming a minimalist.  In some ways, I already am, but if I can be more efficient with it, why am I not doing that right now?  It's certainly going to be an idea moving forward, but it will face some difficulties, as people seem to enjoy giving me stuff.  I don't need decorations, as nice as some of them may be.

And then Christmas!  Besides being the religious holiday, which as you may have gathered, I could do without, the pseudo-commercial holiday is also a sore spot.  It's a designer stress-filled holiday about gift giving and receiving.  I can safely say that I don't need it, I can be nice to everyone all the time, I don't need to feel extra special about it.  If I need anything, I'll just go get it.

There's some early morning thoughts, as I lie here in bed.

06:28… it's time to get up and get going!

2904 Saturday, September 3rd - afternoon

15:13… I had an interesting thought today…

"People love stories, they want to be in a good story and they’ll make up their own story for just about anything or anyone."

It explains a ton about pop culture, in general, not to mention the need for news stories, bedtime stories, rumours and the need to recycle memories.

Everyone's life is its own story, one that only a select few get to be a part of or experience, unless that person becomes famous, to which more than a few can experience.  Everyone lives to write their own story and they can associate what they believe to be a part of their own personal story, making every decision or adapting to every other decision made around them, which keeps the possibilities seemingly limitless.

There are some decisions that are stemmed from previous decisions, which are somewhat predictable, but there are the small little details that can be missed that can affect some of the greatest outcomes.

It's really amazing how some stories have been adopted to fill in the unknown blanks in human history.  The number of years before man really came to grips with its own existence, plus all of the times that we may guess what might have happened at a time when we weren't around or making up some stories to appease our children's curiosity, teach them important life lessons or inspire their creativity.  Stories are a handy tool, when used responsibly.

There are some general criticisms of stories in human history, as you may have gathered in some of my previous writings.  I just wanted to elaborate more on that thought, but it felt like there was going to be more.

2841 Friday, August 12th - afternoon

12:16… I would like to go on the record here and say that I have some fears about the nerves on the right side of my body.  The skin on the right side of my body, from my head to my shoulder, has always been a little more sensitive and tingly, which doesn't give me much hope for the regularity of my facial features, among the rest of the concerns.

It's been like that for a while already and it never jumps immediately to the top of the list when I talk to a doctor.  I'm glad I have it written down now.  I thought of it early on in the walk, stopped to take a note and now I have it down.

Another thing I was thinking about on the walk, Mark and I walk in silence most of the time, so that let's my head think constantly.

I got to thinking a bunch of things on the walk, a lot of them had to do with the failures of the human race.  I've highlighted my distaste for religion and rightly so.  

The biggest failure, in my opinion, is the basis of society.  

Society, the biggest separation between humans and animals, which is great, the human brain can do some wonderful things, if it takes its time and thinks it through. Unfortunately, the human race has come up with some silly things, which has more or less held us back from real greatness.

One of the greatest things about the combined societies on this very small planet is the belief that everyone should just get along, but that is also one its biggest shortcomings too.  The visible lines of separation between groups of humans, be it territory, religion and/or economic system, have done a poor job of getting along with each other.  Then throw in the other variances of these human groups (sexual orientation, gender identification and/or political party) and the lines are far less defined than ever before, making a lot more confusion and as a product of that, a lot more hate.  Unfortunately, the biggest sticking point to all of the separations and/or the grey areas is that there are enough of each one of these groups, including the blurred grey areas, to make them believe that they are absolutely correct and everyone else is wrong, filling this world with all sorts of hateful feelings towards one another.

Such things like technology are really glowing achievements for mankind, but sadly, all of these shortcomings have done a hell of a job ruining any positive momentum that these achievements could really do for our kind.

The real unfortunate thing is that until we can safely split our groups from each other, via going out into the deep reaches of space, leaving this doomed planet behind and then letting each belief fend for themselves in the vast, ruthless cosmos.  Otherwise, if we wanted peace, as a whole, there would have to be a lot of killing.

13:49… man, I seriously went on a tangent there, didn't I?

One of the other shortcomings I thought of was the idea of the term "love."  More in the biblical sense, which kind of goes back to my distaste for religion.  Romantic love, family love, brotherly love, and God's divine love are the four types of love in the Bible and only two have merit in the grand sense of everything.  Family love and brotherly love.  family love is an obvious one, where brotherly love, I believe it is the association of people by an outside source, like a team.

I, personally, am moving further and further away from the idea that romantic love is even real, much like that divine garbage.  Romantic love is just another attempt to separate humans from the other animals on the planet.  Unfortunately, much like religion, more than enough people believe in it, so therefore, it has to be right. 

I, for one, do not believe that to be true, much like the other beliefs that have held the human race back, but I'm not going to put together a parade and make everyone mad at me.  I don't need that shit.

No, this stems back to the pieces on my logical brain.  It can certainly make a judgement on whether or not I prefer the way someone looks or acts, but I'm not going to walk the social tightrope of "romantic love" all for the sake of the instinctual need to start a family.  I certainly haven't felt that instinctual need, especially not enough to make me settle for someone who is less than my perfect person.

Would I have settled if I made the mistake of not taking proper precautions?  There is a very likely chance of that.  Would any of those possibilities have turned out well?  That's highly unlikely.  Did I take a lot of proper precautions?  No, I can admit that I didn't.

I believe I have noted this before, but I have never been one to chase those lovely ladies.  Do I enjoy looking at them?  You bet, I do.  Would I know what to do with one if any of them chose me?  Unlikely, but I have come to the idea that I should just ask them, as hot and steamy as that conversation would be.

No, the social programming of romantic love, through all the major entertainment mediums, has tried to get me to relent from logic and move towards the nonsensical trappings.  It has tried so hard and nearly succeeded in trying to convince me that if I don't find anyone, I'd be lonely and loneliness is the worst.

It's so absolutely rare to see marriages that last for any great duration.  The ones that do make it are likely more unlikely to be still together for anything greater than the convenience of not having to go through all the legal processes.

14:36… I've made some really good time on the phone here, as most of this was written on my Pixel 6.

2833 Wednesday, August 10th - early morning

05:20… I don't want to get up and my brain won't stop working, so this is the closest thing I can do to help both parties in this argument.

I have been thinking about bringing that requisition for my bladder ultrasound to the clinic where I am getting the nerve ultrasound to see if I can book it there for whenever.

I've also been thinking about what day it is, I checked my watch after I made a deposit and it is indeed Wednesday.  Mark will be here this morning and there is a Shithotz game tonight.  I'm curious to know how much work that is going to be for my body.  It's already tired, how much more pushing can I do?  I'm sure I'll find out sooner rather than later.

05:29… that may have calmed down my brain.

05:44… there have been no positive results yet, but my brain doesn't want to quit.  It's trying to convince my body to get up and get started, but my body has a strong argument of just being tired.

I did think of an idea about what I could write about… the change from my "average life" to this "less than average life."

I can admit that I may have complained to myself on a number of occasions that my life had become too average.  In hindsight, it really hadn't become too average, since in more cases than not, a white guy in his thirties would average out with a family under construction, but I wasn't like that.  I had a good white collar job, I had my regular social activities and a good number of friends.  I might have thought that the combination of those things would have averaged out my life 

Then I have to turn around and become disabled, so my extensive need for a medical team isn't fantastic.  Don't get me wrong, the team is good, the need for them isn't great.  A Bipap machine, home care aides, the need for the Instacart service, my atm getting amputated… the list adds up quickly.

Be careful what you wish for I guess is the message here   I thought I could more eloquently describe that, but I guess not.

Oh yeah, the list of active friends in my life has dwindled some.  Not being able to have the same abilities for fun and excitement does seem to hurt my value to other people.  They likely don't want to sign up for the health care aide job that I might require, nor do I want to be a hindrance in their everyday lives.  What kind of friend would want that?

In a sad way, it feels like I have died, because a lot of the everyday life activities are still going on, while I get to sit and watch.  The world seems to go on its merry way without me and that is to be expected, I guess.

There is no part of me that wishes for this to be over, I'm in no way done yet.  There's no quit in me, there's an acceptance of where I am in the greater scheme and I will look to improve what I have when I can, if I can.

06:19… I have a feeling that I will be tired when I get up.  I'm trying to hold out until 06:30.  I'm trying my best to normalize the morning, but that's going to be tough