2446 Thursday, April 28th - morning

06:35… it’s a little bit of an early start, but before I really get going, I want to add that bit to my Need/Want list, which I meant to do yesterday, but it sort of got away from me.

• Needs

• Need to survive

• Need to help others survive

• Need to support the cause I’ve attached myself to

• Need to do it because I said I would

• I have to have that

• Instinctual need

• Wants

• Want that to entertain myself

• Want to read that

• Want to see that

• Really want that to be mine

• Really want to support that

• Agreeable Notions

• That sounds like a good idea

• I’ll give that a try

• If you don’t want it, I’ll take it

• Disagreeable Notions

• No thanks

• That’s not a good idea

• Not Wanting

• I’ll stay away from that

• What were you thinking?

• Not Needing

• My happiness depends on me not being involved with that

• My happiness depends on me not having that

There, the instinctual need has been added to the current list.

Well, it was an early start, mostly because I made my second deposit and then I looked at the clock and it was only shortly after 06:00.  That was my brain’s cue to get going and I wasn’t going to put up much of a fight.  So, then I was off and running.

• Shorts change: I went to go find the shorts first, next in line were some blue/greens.

• Made the bed: I also tidied the bed.

• Lung recruitment: all of that before the usual hob number one, which came in at number three this morning.

• Bottle empty: the deposits were emptied.

• Turn the coffee maker on: the tap water needed time to warm up and this needed to happen.

• Wash up: I started washing a bit early, the hot water didn’t finally land until the second scrub.

• Weigh-in: the phone and the scale weren’t talking again.  The batteries must be going on it.

• Computer logged on: I said ‘good morning’ to Elle.

• Pills and vitamins: took the morning dose.

• Deodorant: sprayed, yes.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: splashed, no.  The experiment continues this morning.

• Moisturiser: dolloped and spread, yes.

• Shoulder brace: the brace wasn’t as easy this morning, but I eventually got it.

• Shirt change: a bluer shirt today.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (06:59) the first round is recorded.

• Head start: (07:01) the step count today may not be pushed too hard, but the 10k still needs to be done.

07:21… the first timer is in the books and it was tougher, but I stuck to it.  2.6k and 3 Zone minutes to start.  The streaks will be pushed today, but rest is needed.  It’s a fine balance.  I need more coffee.

07:24… I only have one banana left, so the Instacart order will need to be placed.  I’m going to start some laundry and have that ready for Bipasha.  I think those are my big items on the to do list.

• Email:

• Main account: a few pieces of junk and some promos there this morning.

• Gmail: a Safeway promo here.

• Upper Deck: the free pack was dull.

• Facebook: two birthdays, only one got a nod.  There were a few likes in the news feed.  There were not very many memories today.

• Twitter: one good tweet to like, but otherwise nothing.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 35.6k, my best day in almost 3 years.  

• Floors: 45 were collected.

• Active Minutes: 283 minutes.

• Active Heart: 74 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 426 minutes, a good night’s sleep.

• Weight: 172.2 pounds.

• Stress Management: 81.

• Readiness: 60.  It feels like less.

• RHR: 70 bpm, yesterday’s dropped to 71 bpm, so it’s finally going the right way.

• Water: two are logged.

• Challenge: 31.6k ahead of Sheldon.

• Google Calendar: nothing on today.

• Budget: nothing happened after the morning work.

• Questrade: slight gains in both, but they’re still red for the week.

• Fantasy Hockey:  no new points here last night.

• Sports Interaction: neither parlay paid yesterday.  Seven bettable hockey games and six bettable American League baseball games, which made for five parlay bets.  The Blue Jays can’t participate in parlay bets, but they can be game bets and with Alec Manoah on the hill today, a $5 bet was made.

08:24… the routine is done.  It’s weird not having that grind of expectations today.  It’s like a vacation of sorts.

08:43… the weird morning continues.  I checked the Chromecast for the possibility of the Chelsea match against Tottenham and I’ll be able to see it at 12:45.  I continued to look at the Chromecast while on the ball and I thought I would watch the New Mutants, a Marvel movie that I hadn’t seen yet, but then I remembered that I wasn’t done with the physio and it would be tough to watch with exercises that need to happen.  If I get it done in good time, I’ll give the movie a watch before the Chelsea match.

08:48… it’s a lower body day.

08:53… okay, I’m ready now.

• PowerBreathe: 30 inhales. (08:55) the second round is done.

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 21 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot.

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 10 laps

• March in place at the sink, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30

• Squeeze the orange ring: 50 squeezes (09:12)

• Lower Body

• Right leg weight step ups on step board: 40 step ups

• Step up and down with step board no aids: 20 step overs

• Single step, forwards and backwards, right foot on the Bosu Ball with an aid: 30 steps, back and forth combos

• Reverse S Walk with target, focus on a small target: 10 laps

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns: 40 taps

• Sink squats with elastic: 30 squats

• Chair squats with elastic: 20 squats

• Single leg extended back lunges: 30 lunges

• Lateral leg lunges: 20 lunges (09:34)

• Bosu Ball: (09:54) a complete timer was completed, 7.6k, 6 Zone minutes and 16 floors, most of those floors came from the physio work.

• Protein shake: the last Boost vanilla shake is my reward.

09:58… there’s the physio done.  It didn’t come with very many Zone minutes, so if there is work to be had, that’s the reason.

10:02… I shared the original link for the want/need post with Cousin Alex.  I’ll be curious to see what she thinks.

10:12… the Instacart order has been placed.  It shouldn’t be delivered until 15:00.  I’m thinking that I’ll mix the smoothie and start the movie.

2441 Tuesday, April 26th - afternoon

12:19… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these days, as you could probably tell, and one thing popped out at me yesterday… What do I want?

It’s an open-ended question, yes, but I’ve been working on an answer for that question and I have been craving the chance to write something down.

For me, I’ve never really wanted a whole lot, for the most part, I was listening to ideas and I mainly chased the things that really made sense to my analytical/logical brain.  My brain has always been really good at knowing what I need versus what I want.  Defining that distinction across the board with me has always been important.  If someone presented an idea to me, I’d take some time, the size of the idea would govern how much time, and figure out whether or not it is something that I want or something that I need.  There are also different levels of need and want, the degrees of desire, if you will.

• Needs

• Need to survive

• Need to help others survive

• Need to support the cause I’ve attached myself to

• Need to do it because I said I would

• I have to have that

• Wants

• Want that to entertain myself

• Want to read that

• Want to see that

• Really want that to be mine

• Really want to support that

• Agreeable Notions

• That sounds like a good idea

• I’ll give that a try

• If you don’t want it, I’ll take it

• Disagreeable Notions

• No thanks

• That’s not a good idea

• Not Wanting

• I’ll stay away from that

• What were you thinking?

• Not Needing

• My happiness depends on me not being involved with that

• My happiness depends on me not having that

That list is a fluid idea and I wouldn’t say it’s complete yet.  I’m sure some more will pop up and show themselves soon.

I guess where this idea stems from is my seemingly lack of desire to have a girlfriend or wife, those ideas have been more “Agreeable Notions” than anything else.  I’ve never really needed the physical pleasures that would be forthcoming from said arrangement.  I certainly enjoyed them, but arguably, I never did a whole lot for those activities to make them awesome, likely because the need or want was never there.

There are likely some good arguments to be made about this and I’ll hear them.  There also could be another post here soon, talking about liking, loving and the flip side to those thoughts.

I think one of the great things with this brain of mine is associating value to the needs and wants in life.  If I need something, I’ll take some time to figure out how I can achieve that goal and work pretty hard to get there.  I haven’t had too many needs in my life… food, shelter, health care and social interactions come to mind immediately.  I’ve always been someone that stands by their word, if I say that I am going to do something, I’ll do whatever I need to so it happens.

Not having a whole lot of needs is certainly keeping the stress levels down in my life.  There are an extraordinary amount of people who are seemingly always stressed out.  I’ve never needed or wanted that stress, so I’ve done a good job of staying away from it.  The bottom half of the list above is just as important as the top half.

Of course, each level on this list has the associated politeness you can use when you’re approached with said situation.  You can definitely tell how someone values an idea, when approached with it.  Of course, there are a lot of people out there who may overreact to a situation, but are they really overreacting or are they negotiable?

A lot of good things have happened from some Agreeable Notions and there have been some bad results from others.  The real trick is to adapt as you go along.

13:20… I think that’s the bulk of it.  I will likely show it around and get some input on it.

2435 Sunday, April 24th - afternoon

13:07… I just finished watching the first two episodes of the second season of the Flight Attendant and there wasn't a whole lot else going on, so I thought I would write.

I have been thinking a bit more about my stance on the whole women thing.

I think deep down it never made the most sense to me or at least that's the way I might say it was for me.

Everyone had always made a big deal about finding 'that somebody.'  There were so many people who had tried, decided to settle down and then one of so many varied results happened.  The picture perfect situation of growing old together and watching your family start from the ground floor, to build up into a great and happy string of more fortunate instances.  That would be ideal, no doubt, but as we've seen in many instances, is very far from the case.

What I was to understand was that the "perfect somebody" would have no work to do in the relationship.  Perfect was the highest hope in that idea.  If anyone really had to settle down into a relationship, was that the perfect someone?

There have always been some high hopes for me in my life, I would find that perfect person and we would enjoy our lives together.  I would see on TV, which is a bad way to frame your idea of a good life, but I would see on a number of shows that characters would date endlessly until they find that perfect person.  The ups and downs of the dating world was taught to be the norm, likely because the odds of finding that perfect person were so low.  The only upside to the dating world on TV was that there were writers to make sure the main character finds that perfect person.

The writers were certainly key to making it look like all of these people in the dating world were reasonably happy or thereabouts.

That sort of thing was never something I strived for.  I didn't really start to push the girlfriend idea until I moved to Calgary and there were no upsides to the "dating scene" except for maybe getting lucky on the rare occasion.  It always seemed to cost everyone taking part in it money that they were unsure that they could afford or some of their dignity, good or bad.  That never made a lot of sense to me.  When I ventured into the dating idea, I went the way of the online portals.

I can't remember exactly which portal I met Julie through, but we got to talking in a stress free environment, so it was going really well.  I don't remember the whole story with her, but we eventually went out on some dates and things progressed well enough that we finally hooked up.

I think she was a student in college at the time and she was going home (or something) for the summer and I didn't think I was ready for a long distance relationship, so I broke it off.  She wasn't my perfect match, so I don't think I found any reason to keep that going.  If TV taught me anything, there would be more women.

There weren't.  I went about my life like normal, I would think that I would need someone to be happy and I would work myself into a tizzy about being lonely, but that could have been more about not having friends around all the time.  When I was out in public, work or at play, I certainly didn't show any signs that I was lonely, like a number of sad people, in real life or on TV, would. 

13:55… I’ve moved from the couch and on my phone to the computer, I was tired of typing on that screen.

For the most part, I might have been lonely (or telling myself I was) for a number of years, when I wasn’t making any great effort to change anything about it.  Throughout my travels before going away to England, I had seen, met or worked with a number of attractive ladies, but I wasn’t in any place where I would do anything about it.  On the rare times that I would (and they were rare), they didn’t go very well.  That’s what I should expect when it comes to finding the ‘perfect person’ through the volumes of ladies out there, right?

I did have one interesting experience before eventually leaving for England, a girl that I worked with at the insurance company, Jennifer Asmus, she invited me to move in with her and her hairless dog, Costas, in Sunnyside.  It wasn’t anything more than a platonic relationship and that’s the way it stayed, until we were kicked out from the house, when the landlord decided to sell the property.  Living with someone was a good learning experience, especially for how crazy she came across.  There was no attraction to her from me and we never really talked about anything, so I couldn’t say if there was anything there on her side.  She was a very forthcoming person, so if she wanted me, I’m sure she would have tried for something before too long.

I can’t say for sure what the timing was there or anything, years and everything have been blurred together, but I’m fairly sure that there wasn’t a whole lot of anything.  I might have tried the online route on a number of occasions, but they never really amounted to much.

In 2002, I decided to go over to England, getting a working visa and the plan was to go over and stay with Sue & Peter and just go from there.  Over there was very interesting, getting to meet some brand new people and take in a brand new culture.  My first job was at Sue & Peter’s local pub and there I met some great people and I still talk to a couple of them.  Through Jennie Aries, one of the girls that worked there, she introduced me to her friend Francesca Leek.  I don’t really think I had to chase her down, I don’t remember how it all went down, but since I was the exotic Canadian, that would be why we hooked up, I guess.

It’s all still fairly foggy, the memories, but I do seem to think I stayed the odd night or two at her house out in the further countryside in Essex.  I don’t remember being too bothered about a breakup, but again, it’s very foggy.

Further to being an exotic Canadian, I think that is where my other hookup in the UK came from.  Lorrianne was even more of a foggy memory, so I barely would even count her for much of anything.  I have seen a picture of her through a lot of my England photos, but I don’t think it could have been any more than a one-time thing.  I think that was basically my only trip down that path of the social situation, known as the one-night stand.  Doing some digging on Facebook, I don’t see anything that would suggest anything otherwise.

When I got back from England in 2004, the thinking never really changed.  There was never really any personal hurry to find someone, yet I would find myself in some lonely situations.  

I met a great number of people, but I wasn’t in any hurry to find someone, no matter how much I said that I told myself that I was lonely.  I can’t say what year it was exactly, but I met Nao through Cam, doing a team relay road running race in the Kananaskis area through his work at JACOS.  Nao was one of his coworkers in the Calgary office and she took a liking to me.  She was a very nice girl from Japan, making her exotic to me, so I went with it.  We went out for a while and I eventually moved in with her.

I sort of remember her coming up to me, I think it was in the kitchen of the unit we were in when she told me it was over.  I didn’t put up too much of a fight.  Understanding that she didn’t want to be there.

Then between Kristy and Steph, I was friends with them for quite a while before they wanted to hook up with me.  I didn’t have to chase them at all and I certainly wasn’t running away from either of them.  Kristy wanted a bit more from me, in terms of a relationship, but as lovely as she is, all I could see was some social discomfort with her and her family.  Already knowing her brothers, I wasn’t entirely certain that any of it would have been great.  Steph, on the other hand, she is a cool lady, a single Mom and we got along pretty well.  She made the move and I wasn’t going to say no.  I think we “went out” for a few months, which was fun, but when she broke it off, I saw no issue with it and left peacefully.  Between Kristy, Steph and I, we’re still friends, them being school chums, I think, both 10 years my senior.

Finally, after drawing out the entire process, I can finally write about how I really haven’t done anything too exciting, when it comes to sex and all that kind of good stuff.  I can honestly say that I didn’t have any deep talks with any of those ladies.  There were no pushes from me to have a chat, nor were there any pushes from the other side.  I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have shied away, if confronted by that topic, but on the other hand, if I was content with where I was in a relationship, there was no part of me that was going to rock the boat.

Admittedly, not trying to have those kinds of talks was something that likely bit me in the ass, especially when it came to Nao.  I didn’t check with her to see what she needed or asked what she wanted and made an effort to make things better.

I think today is about right for me.  I haven’t found that right person and when I have reached out, Des comes to mind, that has been rejected.  Looking at that, that was never really going to work out.  There was definitely going to need some settling on my part, no matter how gorgeous I think she is, she is a smoker and a dog person, neither of which were ever going to work.  Thankfully, she rejected me kindly and after the fact, I was very much okay with it.  It made the tail end of the ball season a tad awkward, but that was going to be the case down the line eventually.

All of the fantasy situations that are out there have eluded me.  I’ve never seen the instances of a personal lingerie show or anything that may or may not be related to that sort of thing.  I guess if I ever did have that sort of experience, I’m sure I would have worked harder to stay in that sort of relationship.

15:36… I’m not too sure if I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.  I didn’t have a set target, which might have been a mistake.  I might come back to this post at some point for something, but overall, I think I’ve exercised my mind a little bit.

I have explored a couple avenues that presented themselves as options and I have seen where they may have gone wrong.  So if Ms. Perfect does seemingly appear, I’ll know how I will want to handle it, so all the possible good can come from us.

2413 Sunday, April 17th - morning

06:38… history has shown us that the human race can settle.  It's rare for somebody to find their perfect match for mating.  Some people do, sure.  A lot of people just find someone to procreate with.  The belief that they have found "a love that will last forever" seems a bit hopeful, at best.  

Humans are still animals and the construct of marriage is only given a goal to build towards, thanks to our special brains and other beliefs that we have constructed.

I have never felt the need to get married and procreation didn't appeal to me, as a true desire.  If something happened along the way, I would have just accepted it and made the best of a new situation.

A lot of these regular constructs in human life have seemingly evolved from religion and trying to pass that off as "absolutely correct" is silly, because religion, as a whole, has swung and missed on numerous occasions.

06:56… I had that thought and wanted to write it down before I got out of bed.  There are a ridiculous amount of spelling mistakes, which can and will be edited out later.

Oh, another thought did pop into my head this morning… I may have said that I have quit the second Bipasha Challenge, but there is that part of me that won't try as hard for it.  I'm still going to work on my streaks, that's a given, but if my brain wants to find its way to 25k, who am I to say no?

07:02… okay, now it's time to get up.

07:21… alright, I’m up and at the computer.

I had another thought… any, if not all religions, likely evolved from a man asking all the major questions, like “where did we come from?” came up with the idea that it was a higher power that put us here on the Earth, since major scientific research was thousands of years from properly answering that question or giving us a small inkling for how we might have come to be.  When he told all of his friends about his theories, he really sold the ‘higher power’ idea and likely constructed the idea that this higher power can see all and has some control over all.  Being the salesman that he was, he managed to coerce some other people into this new belief and really made a stink, when somebody disagreed.  

This basically writes itself.  This clearly happened more than once throughout the world and there were adaptations to the root of the story to be beneficial to the location and the people it was sold to and that would be why there are so many religions in the world.

It’s a lesson on how to over complicate life, to theoretically make things more understandable.

07:36… okay, that little brainstorm has passed, let’s get to work.

• Lung recruitment: job number one, no problem.

• Shorts change: I stayed with the green & oranges today.

• Made the bed: I tidied up the bed.

• Bottle empty: emptied the bottle.

• Wash up: the hot water was slow to arrive, but eventually came through.

• Weigh-in: weighed in.

• Computer logged on: said ‘good morning’ to Elle.

• Pills and vitamins: the morning dose was taken.

• Deodorant: sprayed, yes.

• Voltaren/Diclo10%: splashed, yes.

• Moisturiser: dolloped and spread, yes.

• Shoulder brace: the brace went on okay.

• Shirt change: the older greyish blue shirt today.

• Head start: (07:43) forgot to clean the PowerBreathe too (it’s on the reminder), so straight to the 20-minute timer.

08:03… 2.6k steps only.  Nothing else.  A Bayern Munich match was on TV, but that didn’t get me too excited.  I didn’t swing my arm for any help, but I might later on.

• Email:

• Main account: not a whole lot here.

• Gmail: my Google One receipt was here.

• Upper Deck: the free pack was collected.

• Facebook: the headline memory was a walk with Benny a year ago.  Two birthdays, one worth a nod.  There were a lot of likes given out and a lot of posts skipped, because I didn’t like them (ha ha).  The memories had a walk from a year ago, as mentioned, and one from two years ago.  Do I dare go out for one today?

• Twitter: just a selfie from Crystal to brighten up that feed.

• Fitbit:

• Steps yesterday: 26.1k, the sixth week is done.

• Floors: 16 floors.

• Active Minutes: 186 minutes.

• Active Heart: 93 Zone minutes.

• Active Hours: 10/10.

• Sleep: 449 minutes.

• Weight: 171.8 pounds.

• Stress Management: 79.

• Readiness: 42.

• RHR: 68 bpm.

• Water: I’m on my second and both have been logged.

• Google Calendar: my reminder to get Jeremy’s help tonight is on for today.

• Budget: the monthly bank fees came out yesterday, which I wasn’t expecting.  That was the only thing of note there that wasn’t already mentioned yesterday.

• Fantasy Hockey:  

My roster dropped to the bottom after a weak Saturday.  Today has some potential to make that up before the end of the week.

• Sports Interaction: my 8-game parlay was a winner, $17 in the tank.  The method paid off.  Six games today, two 3-game parlays were made.  A smart one and the other one was mostly feeling.  Neither pays greatly, but what can you do?

08:54… tunes are on and Mom has appeared for a chat.

09:18… Mom, Tegan and Bipasha have all started to chat.  Craziness.

09:22… the Sunday physio is a go.

• Bosu Ball: (09:42) I forgot to swing my arm, the 2 floors on there now were from me just milling about.  5.5k and 12 Zone minutes was the score there.

• Physio Exercises

• Warm Ups

• Side Shuffle: 20 laps, head up and focusing on the right foot.

• Single leg stands with a pole: 5 stands on each leg, 5 head turns on each stand

• 4 Square Tiles, eyes up & head turns: 10 laps

• March in place at the sink, shoulder checking: 10 shoulder checks both sides

• Left hand/head resistance: 10 pushes/pulls

• Chin tucks: 5 tucks x the count of 30

• Squeeze the orange ring: 50 squeezes (10:05)

• Upper Body

• Pull the band on the sliding door, between 6pm and 11pm, lead with the back of the hand: 80 pulls blue

• Curls: 40 x 10 lbs. curls

• Rows bent over: 20 x 35 lbs. rows

• Scapular plane eccentric lowering: 10 x 10 lbs. (10:14)

• Lower Body

• Right leg weight step ups on step board: 40 step ups

• Bottle lid taps with my toes with head turns: 60 taps

• Sink squats with elastic: 50 squats

• Single leg extended back squats: 30 squats (10:24)

• Bosu Ball: (10:46) the timer has completed.  8.7k, 18 Zone minutes and 9 floors.

• Protein shake: a shake and a banana today.

10:06… Dad has called and he’ll be coming in today and we’ll go for lunch and stop at Made by Marcus.

10:50… the physio is done.  The last session on the ball got me thinking, if I’m going to Made by Marcus, what is the name of that girl?  I searched a bit on my phone and it didn’t take me long to find Isabella.  I’ll have to casually include the memory recall, if she’s there.  I like it when a plan comes together.